“Really, an historic night last night. You may have heard, Barack Obama will be the first black president of the United States of America. ... Obama is also the first Democrat to receive more than 50 percent of the vote since Jimmy Carter, the first senator to be elected since Jack Kennedy, the first Muslim to be ... I said too much.” FirstsMaySaidStatesLastsAmericaNightBlackPresidentUnitedUnited StatesToo MuchHeardPercentVoteDemocratBarackSenatorsUnited States Of AmericaHistoricLast NightJimmyCarterJack Kennedy Author:Jon Stewart
“(Terrorists) are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It's scary I know, but we're not going to let al Qaeda tell us what to do. In fact, our government has decided that if al Qaeda attempts to disrupt our democratic process, we are going to respond by disrupting it first.” IfsKnowsFirstsFactsGovernmentProcessDecidedDemocraticScaryTerroristPlanningAlsAl QaedaDemocratic Process Author:Jon Stewart
“If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance (on 'Meet the Press') it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. (Bush:) 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000.'” IfsShouldFirstsWarPresidentHonestLessonsShould HavePressesAppearanceForthcoming Author:Jon Stewart
“The country of Mexico has just gotten its first Taco Bell. You're Welcome. Finally, Mexicans will have access to... Mexican food. Bon appetit. I can't imagine how confused they will be when they get a taco.” FirstsI CanCountryImagineAccessWelcomeConfusedMexicoBellsMexicanTacosMexican FoodTaco BellYou Re Welcome Author:Jon Stewart
“We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare - and we'll see which happens first.” TryingFirstsMadeHappensChallengesObamacareDownloads Author:Jon Stewart
“If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.” IfsFirstsFamily Author:Jon Stewart
“The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.” IfsFeelsFirstsRealCertainLevelsFocusComedianOverwhelmedStand Up Comedian Author:Jon Stewart
“At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It's not going to be like, 'I really want to do The Daily Show and I'd love to turn it into an abstract musical.' I like the format and the chance to satirize the news.” WantFirstsShowsTurnsDifferencesChanceNewsMusicalAtmosphereAbstractFormatDaily Show Author:Jon Stewart
“New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.” IfsFirstsStatesPlayHandsSongTalkingNew YorkFineMonthsSixFirst TimePhonesSentencesDrivingCellsLatinJailSix MonthsNoveltyCell PhoneBans Author:Jon Stewart
“Orthodox Jews, or, as they are known in the Talmud, the Really Chosen Ones, are committed to the idea that the entire Torah was dictated by God verbatim to Moses at Mount Sinai... Other forms of Judaism dispute this claim, although it does explain certain passages in the first Torah, such as, I'm sorry, am I boring you? and What do you like better, Moses, Lord Almighty or Big Hoohah?” FirstsDoeIdeasBigsFormCertainKnownLordClaimsSorryCommittedJewBoringChosenOrthodoxPassagesAlmightyI'm SorryJudaismDisputesMosesTorahChosen OneSinai Author:Jon Stewart
“That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters - they look better covered in oil.” WantFirstsBelieveLooksHas BeensWholeRocksMy FriendsOilSnowCanadaCoveredBelieve In MeOverratedEnvironmentalistOtters Author:Jon Stewart
“When Henry Hill [in Goodfellas] got arrested for the first time and Robert DeNiro met him at the courthouse and Henry Hill was really upset, 'cause he thought Robert DeNiro would be really mad at him. And DeNiro comes up to him and he gives him a $100 and he goes, "You got pinched. We all get pinched, but you did it right, you didn't say nothing."” GivingFirstsWould BeCausesMetsFirst TimeMadCome UpHillsUpsetArrestedCourthousesMad At Him Author:Jon Stewart
“Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due.” FirstsBelieveFatherDealsFailingIndependenceDuesHistorianArticlesConventionsFoundingJulyDraftingConstitutional ConventionConfederation Author:Jon Stewart
“Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.” WantShouldFirstsWarFunnyKnownShould HaveIraqGermanyBizarreJordanShould Have Known Author:Jon Stewart
“When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."” ThinkingWritingFirstsStillsShowsNextSunHugeJokesHotRevelationsShelterHomelessNext DayThirsty Author:Jon Stewart
“Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people.” PeopleFirstsReasonPoorTaxesComplicatedCodeCorporationsShorePoor PeopleLoopholes Author:Jon Stewart
“Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke.” FirstsJokesPublic Speaking Author:Jon Stewart
“President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82-percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent.” FirstsStatesPresidentPercentUnionsAgentsInterviewsAddressesRidingApprovalPresident BushAttorneyRatingApproval Rating Author:Jon Stewart
