“The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus.” KnowsFeelsBigsGovernmentGuyLibertyFiveFourWillingDecidedVoteCourtSupremeScholarSupreme CourtRulingArrestedBig GovernmentPersonal LibertyAnus Author:Jon Stewart
“Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.” EarthGuySellsCore Author:Jon Stewart
“You guys (Boko Haram) are trying so hard to convince everybody that you're such badasses. But all you've done with this kidnapping is highlight who the real badasses are, the kids you kidnapped. Compared to a teenager who knows that her desire for an education could get her dragged into a snake infested jungle to be sold as a bribe to some demented, stick-chewing cartoon villain but still gets up and goes to class everyday, fully aware of that danger - compared to their courage - I'd say Boko Haram is a bunch of little girls. But, you know what? You don't deserve that compliment.” KnowsTryingLittlesStillsRealHardDoneKidsDesireGuyGirlClassDangerDeserveSticksEverydayBunchGet UpTeenagerConvinceComplimentVillainCartoonSnakesJungleBadassHighlightsBribeKidnappingChewingKidnappedDementedTrying So HardBoko HaramHaram Author:Jon Stewart
“While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and balanced Vermont's budget - all traditionally conservative policies. Dean also received an 'A' rating from the National Rifle Association, which I think you can't get unless you've killed a guy.” ThinkingGuyCuttingPolicyNew YorkTaxesConservativeIncomeLabelsBudgetsWelfareOpponentsAssociationBalancedGovernorsNew York TimesRatingIncome TaxDeanRiflesVermontThrowback Author:Jon Stewart
“Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding... that's extraordinary. And that's why we have already won... they can't... it's light. It's democracy. They can't shut that down.” PeopleCountryLightGuyDemocracyFoolExtraordinaryBlowPolicemenBucketsFirefighterRebuildingAlready Won Author:Jon Stewart
“If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.” IfsWantMightGuyFrontsArmsConsideringFillingPollsBallots Author:Jon Stewart
“Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.” IfsRunningRememberGuyRingsNakedBullsThat GuyUnderwear Author:Jon Stewart
“I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?” ThinkingYearsHardAgeSchoolRememberGuyTeacherFourFeetGayEightAssGradesPantsSchool TeachersGrades In SchoolHimmler Author:Jon Stewart
“There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.” KnowsJobsGuyAnxietyNew JobKetchup Author:Jon Stewart
“Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.” LongStillsAmericaGuyNaturalWorryResourcesOkayNatural Resources Author:Jon Stewart
“Does anyone know... does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because... uh... you've all been in charge pretty much since... uh... what was that guys name... Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.” KnowsDoeChristianGuyNamesEnjoyComplexesPersecutionThat GuyJust SayingConstantineChristian Persecution Author:Jon Stewart
“Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.” KnowsWantGuyTomorrowVoteSmokeSmokingAlright Author:Jon Stewart
“The election moment is merely the American public saying, "We'd rather you be President than that guy." That's it.” MomentsGuyPresidentElectionThat Guy Author:Jon Stewart
“I'm also interviewing a guy who's just written a book about his experience living in Iraq, faced with the type of violence as he said, an unimaginable scale. And I think that the combination of that is very hard to shake.” ThinkingSaidBookHardGuyViolenceWrittenTypeIraqScalesCombinationShakesUnimaginable Author:Jon Stewart
“The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.” KnowsMenGuyNextEventsShotsCourtGolfClubsSupremeSupreme CourtDisabledGolfersCartsGolf Carts Author:Jon Stewart
“There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!” HeartJobsGuyRoomsHellComedyStandingOperating Room Author:Jon Stewart
“Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"” PeopleThinkingInspirationalGuyGayThousandArmyLgbtHomosexualityGay PeopleGay PrideLgbt Pride Author:Jon Stewart
“A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go to heaven forever. How do you get from that to Hide-The-Eggs? Did Jesus have a problem with eggs? Did he go, "When I come back, if I see any eggs, the whole salvation thing is off."” IfsBelieveWholeProblemEarthGuyDiesThreeJesusHeavenSinForeverSalvationEggsEasterDown To Earth Author:Jon Stewart
