“What's with the poverty Tourette's? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president?” ThinkingNeedsTwoRealityPoliticsPresidentMoneyClassPovertyComedyStrategyVotingTourettesHobos Author:Jon Stewart
“Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he's finally realized the best way to get things done for you, is for you to do it.” WayTwoEndsDoneSeemsPresidentTermBest WayThings DonePresident George W Bush Author:Jon Stewart
“I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They're not living their lives via platforms. They're living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.” PeopleThinkingPersonsTwoIdeasWholeSidesAmountTiredConservativeConsistentRejectsPlatformsDogmaConstructsTwo Sides Author:Jon Stewart
“The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.” PeopleYearsTwoHomeNightLeftWalksShotsMy FriendsBallsTwentiesCleanBarsDrunkDrankCouchesBucketsTwenty Two Author:Jon Stewart
“You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights.” PeopleIfsThinkingWantTwoNationsNumbersCasesRightsMovementGayDeserveAbsolutesShamePro LifeBasic RightsTravesty Author:Jon Stewart
“Planet Hollywood has shrunk from seventy-five locations around the world to just over thirty-five over the past two years. No new Planet Hollywoods are opening, which in turn has caused a 100 percent decline in opportunities for Bruce Willis to play the harmonica.” WorldYearsTwoPlayPastTurnsOpportunityFivePlanetsPercentHollywoodOpeningAround The WorldThirtyTwo YearsDeclineLocationSeventiesOver The PastHarmonicas Author:Jon Stewart
“I don't particularly enjoy those types of interviews, because I have a great respect for Senator McCain, and I hate the idea that our conversation became just two people sort of talking over each other, at one point.” PeopleTwoIdeasHateEnjoyTalkingTypeConversationI HateInterviewsSenatorsMccainGreat Respect Author:Jon Stewart
“The conversation that the Senate and the House are having with the President [Barack Obama] was very similar to the conversation that [John] McCain and I were having, which was two people talking over each other and nobody really addressing the underlying issues of what kind of country do we want to be.” PeopleWantKindTwoCountryHousePresidentTalkingIssuesConversationBarackSenatePresident Barack ObamaMccainPeople Talking Author:Jon Stewart
“[When you have kids] you become much more - there are two things that happen. You recognize how fragile individuals are, and you recognize the strength of the general overall group, but you don't care anymore. You're just fighting for the one thing. See and then, you also recognize that everybody, then, is also somebody's child.” ChildrenTwoHappensCareKidsFightingIndividualOne ThingGroupsDon't CareTwo ThingsFragileDon't Care Anymore Author:Jon Stewart
“I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.” TwoCountryFunnyAmericaWittyImpressionCanadaHilariousTwo DaysCanada DayHappy Canada DayCanada Being Great Author:Jon Stewart
“I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.” TwoShowsNightFeetSixLateBarsParksHostAmusementToo ShortTalk ShowsLate NightAmusement Parks Author:Jon Stewart
“Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.” Has BeensTwoReasonReligionTalkingAdviceHumorousOrganizedSnakesOrganized ReligionNudists Author:Jon Stewart
“In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can't get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.” PeopleTwoAmericaLandCenturyCivilizationOceanHundredBlueWestCreditCommunistDiscoveringNinetyIndigenousFourteenColumbusIndigenous PeopleWest Indies Author:Jon Stewart
“The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every f*cking day.” PeopleTwoReasonWorryBuildingRanOddsNineteenKnocked Down Author:Jon Stewart
“The Republican party is the party of nostalgia. It seeks to return America to a simpler, more innocent and moral past that never actually existed. The Democrats are utopians. They seek to create an America so fair and non-judgmental that life becomes an unbearable series of apologies. Together, the two parties function like giant down comforters, allowing a candidate to disappear into the enveloping softness, protecting them from exposure to the harsh weather of independent thought.” TwoTogetherAmericaPastPartyMoralReturnRepublicanFairsFunctionIndependentSeriesDemocratDisappearNostalgiaInnocentWeatherGiantsCandidatesAllowingApologyHarshRepublican PartyExposureUnbearableJudgmentalSoftnessIndependent ThoughtComforterNon Judgmental Author:Jon Stewart
“Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays, so there is a plural, which in the English language necessitates the use of the letter "S." Now, I suppose you could say "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year" but you probably have sh*t to do.” YearsTwoUseFunnyLanguageChristmasHolidayNew YearEnglish LanguageMerryHappy New YearMerry ChristmasFunny Christmas Author:Jon Stewart
“You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.” WantStillsTwoIdeasCountryLawLostLinesCasesTroubleRegretDutyDirectorsStandardsRespectPoliceRegardProducersComedianGrievingOfficersLaw EnforcementEnforcementExclusiveHigh Standards Author:Jon Stewart
“The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating -- allegedly -- the fraud that led to the second largest bankruptcy in American history. Why four-and-a-half years? Because apparently it's harder to bring Ken Lay to trial than it is to invade two countries.” YearsTwoCountryHalfFourHarderLaysTrialsChiefsFraudAmerican HistoryBankruptcyHalf A YearTwo CountriesEnron Author:Jon Stewart
“The White House released documents it claims validates the president's (National Guard) service ... When deciphered the documents showed that in a one-year period, 1972 and 1973, Bush received credit for nine days of active National Guard service. The traditional term of service then and now for the National Guard is one weekend a month and two full weeks a year, meaning that Bush's nine-day stint qualifies him only for the National Guard's National Guard. That's the National Guard's National Guard, an Army of None.” YearsTwoHousePresidentTermWhiteWeekMonthsPeriodsClaimsArmyCreditActiveNineTraditionalWhite HouseWeekendDocumentsNational Guard Author:Jon Stewart
“The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons.” PeopleShouldTwoStatesThreeForceUnitedUnited StatesMilitarySonIraqCommandSaddamHusseinArmed Forces Author:Jon Stewart
“My buddy Tim Bass he's a-workin' pumpin gas, and he makes two fifty for an hour. He's got rhythm in his hands as he's tappin' on the cans, sings rock and roll in the shower.” TwoHandsHoursRocksRhythmFiftyGasShowersRock And RollBuddyBass Author:Jon Stewart
