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Dark Humor Quotes

Browse 331 quotes about Dark Humor.

Dark Humor Quotes

“Ah, come on, dude!” I said, taking a long swig from my bottle. “There must be something! Something that you do differently from all those other schmucks—like myself—out there.” “Alright, alright, hold your horses! You wanna hear the actual secret? The simple truth that everybody wants to know? The thing that’s right in front of your nose but hardly anyone sees?” John looked around as if to make sure nobody was eavesdropping, but there was no one around. He leaned in to whisper something in my ear. “Alright. Now, listen very closely…” It got awfully quiet as I eagerly waited for the answer. John squinted his eyes. Then, he ripped a huge fart. One that was so loud it could have been a serious contender for the Guinness World Records, if they had a category for fart volume (turns out they do). The thing even smelled the part. “God damn it, you asshole!” And we couldn’t stop laughing.”

InspirationalSuccessTravelDark HumorFiction Novel
Book:Mad Monkeys: A darkly funny backpacking novel
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“I glanced up at the trees too. Dead. Every one of them gray and white, needles rusted, leaves shriveled at the tips of branches. All the life sucked out of them. Not just the trees. All the plants, ferns, grasses and brush were shriveled, brown, barren. As if a month of winter had set down right here in my driveway and gone on a killing spree. ... "Love what you've done with the landscape," Cody said. "You could open your own business, you know." ... "The hell you talking about, Miller?" I asked Cody. "Yard care. You're poison and weed whacker all in one. You can call it Death to All Shrubbery.”

ShameDark HumorStone ColdDevon MonkAllie BeckstromShamus Flynn
Book:Stone Cold
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“Mikhail pushed a hand through his thick mane of hair. “Our people cannot do without you, Gregori, and quite simply, neither can I.” “You are so certain that I will not turn?” Gregori’s smile was self-mocking. “Your faith in me exceeds my own. This vampire is ruthless, drunk on his own power. He craves the killing, the destruction. I walk the line of that madness every day. His power is nothing, a feather in the wind compared to mine. I have no heart, and my soul is dark. I do not want to wait until I cannot make my own choice. The one thing I do not want is to force you to seek me out to destroy me. My life has been my belief in you, in protecting you. I will not wait until I must be hunted.” Mikhail waved a tired hand to open the earth above his brother. “You are our greatest healer, the greatest asset to our people.” “That is why they whisper my name in fear and dread.” Beneath their feet the ground suddenly shook, heaved and bucked, rolling perilously. The center of the earthquake was obviously a great distance away, but there was no mistaking the howl of rage produced by a powerful vampire at the destruction of his lair. The undead had entered his lair confidently, until he found the body of the first wolf. Each turn or passage entrance was marked with one of his minions, until his entire pack lay dead at his feet. The burned bodies of his sentinels, the bats, lay in a mound of blackened ashes. Fear turned to terror. It would not be Mikhail, whose sense of justice and fair play would be his downfall, but the dark one. Gregori— the most feared of all Carpathians. It had not occurred to the vampire that the dark one might take a hand in this game. Andre hurtled himself from the safety of his favorite lair just as the mountain heaved and the chamber walls collapsed in on themselves. Cracks widened in the narrow passageway, and the rock faces inched closer and closer together. The clap of granite grinding against granite nearly burst his eardrums. A true vampire making numerous kills was far more susceptible to the sun, and to the terrible lethargy that claimed Carpathian bodies in the day. Andre had little time to find a safe hole. As he burst from the collapsing mountain, the sun hit his body, and he screamed with the agony of it. Dust and rock spewed from his home, and the echo of Gregori’s taunting laughter drifted down with the debris from the earthquake. “No, Gregori.” There was amusement in Mikhail’s soft voice as he floated into the soothing arms of the earth. “That is a good example of why they whisper your name in fear and dread. No one understands your dark humor the way I do.”

Dark HumorGregoriMikhail
Book:Dark Prince
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“Quietus Interruptus by Stewart Stafford I've just seen a live mugshot, A home intruder demands I know, Crack out knuckle-dusters or mace, Miscreant justice cold and slow. Should I invite him in to breakfast? Serve rich Eggs à la Pepper Spray! Thump him with my coffee mug, To end this castle siege for the day. An amateur matador from this bull fled, I see frosted breath in a neighbour’s garden, Shirked his curtain call in a magenta dawn, Not even a disingenuous “I beg your pardon!” © 2025, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”

CrimeDark HumorSelf DefenseSurrealismTrue StoryPsychological ThrillerRobberyBurglaryHome InvasionNoir Poetry
Author:Stewart Stafford
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“What the hell? Oh, that's right. It's the first Monday of the school year, so of course, Emma's beating the shit out of someone." "Hector — come on and help me pry her off Helena," said Arnold anxiously. "Oh, so that's who she's thrashing," Hector mused. "I should have recognized her solid gold pumps. Finally, someone who deserves it." "It doesn't matter if she deserves it or not," Arnold said in exasperation. "If the Principal or the teachers see her doing this..." "Fine," Hector sighed. "But she better not kick me in the balls again, like last time.”

Humorous QuotesDark HumorYoung Adult SeriesYoung Adult Urban FantasyYoung Adult Dark Fantasy
Book:Olympus Rising
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“In Absentia by Stewart Stafford Marbled mirror's stubbled face, Hollow grimace back at me, Each line a verdict crease, From a rigged jury decree. Denial's chant, the siren's call, Dared me to climb meeker backs, Those perps and their victims, The fading dust upon the tracks. Deep scars from a traitor's blade, Like from some coroner's skit, Staggering down memory lane, Déjà vu choking on a peach pit. Then karma's trapdoor gives, The past is not a partner sparred, Hubris's caw now a trembling chick, Wet rope creaks in hangman's yard. © 2024, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”

PainTimeJusticeDarkSorrowMemoryBetrayalIsolationDark HumorIrony Of Life
Author:Stewart Stafford
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“Tell me about your day.” She huffs. “My day? Well, let’s see…” She takes a dramatic pause. “I buried my husband this morning. There’s that.” “And how was that?” “Riveting,” she hums with a nice dollop of sarcasm. “Good thing I’m taking you out tonight then. A lovely occasion for a celebration, wouldn’t you say?” She looks at me, gaping. Then she offendedly asks, “Celebration?” “Tell me this wasn’t one of the happiest days of your life.” She stares back at the road through the window as she contemplates. And then a loud snort comes out of her pretty mouth, which she quickly covers up with her hand. “Don’t you dare silence those pig-like snorts of yours. They’re like music to my ears.”

FunnyMurderDark HumorMurder Books
Book:Bloody Fingers & Red Lipstick
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“The Larktown Savannah by Stewart Stafford Pierce the smog-shrouded end of town, A wheezing, mirthless, blushing clown, On the river, logs and sticks past me flew, Ingredients of a swirling, brownish stew. In the bait shop, the condemned crawl, A carvery pub lunch next door for all, The old cinema’s lights are long-dimmed, A long grass lion’s zebra crossing skimmed. Seagulls bomb the blustery bridge; To the water, as to sunset, the midge; An Elvis impersonator’s sparse crowd tell— Rhinestone saviour in Wharf Street’s hotel. © 2026, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”

Dark HumorSurrealismSlice Of LifeModern PoetryIrish LiteratureA Day In The LifeElvis ImpersonatorIndustrial DecayPenny LaneSeaside Town
Author:Stewart Stafford
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“I wonder if anyone watches me, if someone across the street sees the glow of my bedroom, the silhouette of my canopy, the flick of my vape light, the press of my palm against glass. Do they see a girl? Or do they see the monster inside the maiden? I could be your neighbor. I could be the one who waves at your dog, the one who compliments your shoes on the train, the one who holds the door for your precious daughter. And I could be the last thing you ever see.”

ComedyHorrorMental HealthDark RomanceDark HumorSerial KillerStalkerObsessive LoveSlasherPsychothriller
Book:Diary of a Damsel Dame
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“I could tie someone up with that silk scarf and throw him into the river, his bloated body bobbing up in the morning to spoil the tourists’ breakie. I could stab someone’s eardrums in with the stiletto of my candy-pink heels. I could slit someone’s eyeballs open with my mermaid scale sequin bomber jacket. And I’d look fabulous doing it. I think about that sometimes. The utility of beauty.”

ComedyHorrorMental HealthDark RomanceDark HumorSerial KillerStalkerObsessive LoveSlasherPsychothriller
Book:Diary of a Damsel Dame
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“People like them never expect darkness to crawl into their perfect lives. Robots, both of them, NPCs wandering around in the matrix as a reminder to fall in line with the made up fallacy of an American Dream—a nickname for an idea so perfectly aligned with its inevitable destiny of doom it sounds preplanned. They pose as a remnant of the nuclear family, an idiotic ideal that catastrophically blew apart nearly immediately after conception—an intelligent design behind the hellscape we know as society.”

ComedyHorrorMental HealthDark RomanceDark HumorSerial KillerStalkerObsessive LoveSlasherPsychothriller
Book:Diary of a Damsel Dame
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“Loneliness was never meant for the living; it was especially designed for the dying by Satan himself. Whether we’re surrounded by loved ones or not, it’s only the one slipping into the next world that is experiencing death. Dying is the loneliest moment of anyone’s life—and everyone seems hell-bent on getting there as fast as possible.”

ComedyHorrorMental HealthDark RomanceDark HumorSerial KillerStalkerObsessive LoveSlasherPsychothriller
Author:Lee Stackhouse
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“She’s already a bunch of stressors stacked in a trench coat. There are only that many kidnapping and murder attempts a child can endure before developing serious issues and self-destructive behaviors. We wouldn’t want her to grow up and, say, got to grad school.” “Don’t worry,” Misery reassures me, “every day I drill into her that we’ll be disappointed in anything but a Djing career.” “You’re such a good role model.”

CollegeDark HumorRole ModelGrad SchoolChild PotentialParent Expectations
Book:Mate
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“Babcock fidgeted with one of his cufflinks while staring down the remaining brokers in his office. He then delivered something akin to a pep talk in a severe tone. "... The world depends on our services. Services that must not be impeded. We don't break our backs producing things that have no real value—food, shelter, clothes ... art. No! We're titans of finance. We move intangible things and ideas around the world on digital platforms. No one else in the world can accumulate as much wealth as we do by simply moving around one and zeros on computers.”

HumorHumourDark HumorStock MarketBrokersDark HumourBeasts Of Success
Book:The Beasts of Success
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“Until you accept that you’ll never get your problem fixed, whatever it is, you’ll be endlessly transferred from department to department until our call center closes. Sometimes you’ll be left on hold even after everyone at the call center has left for the day. Until you get exhausted with our run-around service and give up all hope, you’ll be stuck in The Circle Jerk. Right now, this very minute, you’re in The Circle Jerk, sir. Do you wish to continue circling or are you going to hang up your phone and go watch TV?”

HumorHumourDark HumorBlack HumorDark HumourBeasts Of SuccessBlack HumourCable TelevisionCable CompanyCircle Jerk
Book:The Beasts of Success
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