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Confessions of a Sociopath: A Life Spent Hiding in Plain Sight

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M.E. Thomas

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“Once upon a time I'd left Los Angeles and been swallowed down the throat of a life in which my sole loyalty was to my tongue. My belly. Myself. My mother called me selfish and so selfish I became. From nineteen to twenty-five I was a mouth, sating. For myself I made three-day braises and chose the most marbled meats, I played loose with butter and cream. My arteries were young, my life pooling before me, and I lapped, luxurious, from it. I drank, smoked, flew cheap red-eyes around Europe, I lived in thrilling shitholes, I found pills that made nights pass in a blink or expanded time to a soap bubble, floating, luminous, warm. Time seemed infinite, then. I begged famous chefs for the chance to learn from them. I entered competitions and placed in a few. I volunteered to work brunch, turn artichokes, clean the grease trap. I flung my body at all of it: the smoke and singe of the grill station, a duck's breast split open like a geode, two hundred oysters shucked in the walk-in, sex in the walk-in, drunken rides around Paris on a rickety motorcycle and no helmet, a white truffle I stole and shaved in secret over a bowl of Kraft mac n' cheese for me, just me, as my body strummed the high taut selfish song of youth. On my twenty-fifth birthday I served black-market fugu to my guests, the neurotoxin stinging sweetly on my lips as I waited to see if I would, by eating, die. At that age I believed I knew what death was: a thrill, like brushing by a friend who might become a lover.”

“Man, Rhage is playin’ with fire,” Butch said as he started to rack up the balls. “I give Fritz thirty seconds before he’s—Here he comes.” “I’m going to pretend I’m not here.” V took a swig of his Goose. “Me too.” While they got busy grabbing balls, Fritz came steaming across the foyer like a missile seeking a heat source. “Watch your ass, Hollywood, true?” V muttered as Rhage came over with a basket of popped-and-fluffy. “It’s good for him. He needs the exercise—Fritz! How are you, buddy?” -Butch, Vishous, & Rhage”