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If He Had Been With Me

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Laura Nowlin

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“Caspian Marks, he... he is a lot of things. He was made to mean something, to be someone, to move mountains, touch the moon, and explore the deep blue seas. He was made to become someone extraordinary. So don’t you dare let him be stripped of that potential, and help him see his potential if needs it. Sometimes he will, sometimes he won’t. And if at any time you ever need the reminder, he may be a lot of things, but Caspian Marks will never be a heartbreaker. He is not meant to break hearts.” Caspian Marks was a lot of things. He was irritating and brave and calculative and helpful and articulate and beautiful and funny in his own way. He was a lot of things, Caspian Marks, but out of all the things he was out of the many things in the world he could be, he was a lover. He was a lover, and he loved me.”

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“I know he loved me. I know that he wanted to save me. But if you loved someone so much, you could love them enough to allow them to go. Right? That’s how love works. It may tear you apart and rip you to shreds, but you still do it and allow whatever to happen, anyway. You have to accept it, heartbreak or not. You need to face it, tears or not. You must stand up and move on and do the things that you are fated to do. Caspian Marks was fated to do a lot of things; a lot of great things that were never set out for me.”

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“He ran his hands down my hair. He put his head on top of mine and said, “Someday, I think you would have looked back at this very moment and realized how strong you truly were. I think you would have realized how capable you were of getting past this. It may have not been soon, Brantley Thornton, but I promise you, I promise you, it would have been one day. This is just a chapter of your life, Brantley. Not your entire story. But you have to get through this part to be able to see the rest.” I grabbed his hands and I traced my thumb over the places where ridges and bumps and calluses should have been and then I drew his hands to my chest, to feel my then beating heart. Tears dripped and poured down my face and I didn’t dare to wipe them. And I told him, “I do not have one day.”

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“His love for me, it was... boundless. And at times, it was baffling and concerning, really, how easily he could have loved such a heart and soul like mine. A damaged, fragile one, that is; when his, on the contrary, was authentically pure and whole. And yet, despite being polar opposites, our hearts were the same. They were made in the same cast, beat at the same pace, leaped and danced whenever in each other’s presence. It seemed like they beat for one another.”

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“I could just... feel it. I could feel my soul intertwining with his, finding a home in his presence. I could feel my heart skipping a beat, trying to spring out of my chest to chase after him, to love his heart in return the same way that he did mine. I could feel the universe fighting for us, fighting for us to be, pushing us together, even when I wanted to be as far away from him as possible. I could feel it. I could feel everything, even though it was simply asomatous. Despite lacking physicality, his love could not be denied by one who had eyes to see the sight and feel the aura of what was right in front of them.”

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“All I could’ve wished was that more people told you you were worth being loved, I really do. You still are, even now that you’ve passed and are longer gone than I’d like to come to terms with. And it is because of your worthiness of love that I will continue loving you until I take my very last breath. But this is not our goodbye, Brantley Thornton. Because I know I will simply see you in the stars later on.”

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