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Quote by Christopher Titus

“And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.”

Quote by Christopher Titus

Author

Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus is an American comedian known for his unique humor style and autobiographical comedy. Born on October 1, 1964, he has had a career in comedy for over 30 years. Titus' work often involves personal experiences, including his family background, marriage, and professional challenges. more

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“Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.”

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“If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.”

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“A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."”

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“Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.”

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“Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.”

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“I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.”

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“Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change.”

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“Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway. Or, putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. Screwed up people, who weren't coddled or raised with compassion, we get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but, we're... very... happy. Why can't you love me, daddy?”

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