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“Ah, come on, dude!” I said, taking a long swig from my bottle. “There must be something! Something that you do differently from all those other schmucks—like myself—out there.” “Alright, alright, hold your horses! You wanna hear the actual secret? The simple truth that everybody wants to know? The thing that’s right in front of your nose but hardly anyone sees?” John looked around as if to make sure nobody was eavesdropping, but there was no one around. He leaned in to whisper something in my ear. “Alright. Now, listen very closely…” It got awfully quiet as I eagerly waited for the answer. John squinted his eyes. Then, he ripped a huge fart. One that was so loud it could have been a serious contender for the Guinness World Records, if they had a category for fart volume (turns out they do). The thing even smelled the part. “God damn it, you asshole!” And we couldn’t stop laughing.” — A.C. van Wonderen