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Blurry Daydream: When Faith Feels Like Make Believe

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Anthony J. Does

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“What is it, what nameless, inscrutable, unearthly thing is it; what cozening, hidden lord and master, and cruel, remorseless emperor commands me; that against all natural lovings and longings, I so keep pushing, and crowding, and jamming myself on all the time; recklessly making me ready to do what in my own proper, natural heart, I durst not so much dare? Is Ahab, Ahab? Is it I, God, or who, that lifts this arm? But if the great sun move not of himself; but is as an errand-boy in heaven; nor one single star can revolve, but by some invisible power; how then can this one small heart beat; this one small brain think thoughts; unless God does that beating, does that thinking, does that living, and not I. By heaven, man, we are turned round and round in this world, like yonder windlass, and Fate is the handspike. And all the time, lo! that smiling sky, and this unsounded sea! Look! see yon Albicore! who put it into him to chase and fang that flying-fish? Where do murderers go, man! Who's to doom, when the judge himself is dragged to the bar?”

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“Right now, Marcy and the birthday girl are curled up on the couch under a blanket watching The Little Princess with Shirley Temple for what, the hundredth time? That Marcy; I don’t know how she does it. I made ‘em popcorn then I said I had to go get smokes, be right back. I didn’t need smokes. What I needed was to get the hell out of there, go for a drive, think. And I knew just what I’d be thinking: she was six, just like my Anna—I know because she told us or maybe I remember reading it in the paper after. Her name was Olive Copely. I got that name tattooed on my brain.”

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