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For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence

Book by Alice Miller · 13 quotes · Children, Parent, Child Abuse

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For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence Quotes

“someday we will regard our children not as creatures to manipulate or to change but rather as messengers from a world we once deeply knew, but which we have long since forgotten, who can reveal to us more about the true secrets of life, and also our own lives, than our parents were ever able to.”

WorldLifeChildrenLongAbleParentChangeSecretKnowledgeCreaturesRegardOur ChildrenForgottenSomedayManipulationManipulateRevealingMessengersSecret LifeDeepness
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“Anyone who has ever been a mother or father and is at all honest knows from experience how difficult it can be for parents to accept certain aspects of their children. It is especially painful to have to admit this if we really love our child and want to respect his or her individuality yet are unable to do so.”

IfsKnowsWantChildrenMotherCertainFatherParentDifficultAcceptingHonestAspectOur ChildrenIndividualityPainfulLove Our Children
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“Every life and every childhood is filled with frustrations; we cannot imagine it otherwise, for even the best mother cannot satisfy all her child's wishes and needs. It is not the suffering caused by frustration, however, that leads to emotional illness, but rather the fact that the child is forbidden by the parents to experience and articulate this suffering, the pain felt at being wounded.”

NeedsChildrenFactsPainMotherSufferingWishFeltParentImagineChildhoodEmotionalFilledIllnessFrustrationWoundedForbiddenBest Mother
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“The knowledge that you were beaten and that this, as your parents tell you, was for your own good may well be retained (although not always), but the suffering caused by the way you were mistreated will remain unconscious and will later prevent you from empathizing with others. This is why battered children grow up to be mothers and fathers who beat their offspring”

WayWellsMayChildrenMotherSufferingFatherGrowsParentGrowing UpStyleBeatsUnconsciousBeatenOffspringMother And FatherBatteredMistreatedParenting Styles
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“For some years now, there has been proof that the devastating effects of the traumatization of children take their inevitable tollon society--a fact that we are still forbidden to recognize. This knowledge concerns every single one of us, and--if disseminated widely enough--should lead to fundamental changes in society; above all, to a halt in the blind escalation of violence.”

IfsShouldYearsChildrenHas BeensStillsEnoughFactsViolenceEffectsConcernFundamentalsBlindProofInevitableForbiddenHaltEscalationChanges In Society
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“Almost everywhere we find . . . the use of various coercive measures, to rid ourselves as quickly as possible of the child withinus--i.e., the weak, helpless, dependent creature--in order to become an independent competent adult deserving of respect. When we reencounter this creature in our children, we persecute it with the same measures once used in ourselves.”

ChildrenUseUsedOrderCreaturesAdultsWeakOur ChildrenIndependentVariousDependentHelplessCompetentDeserving
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“We are still barely conscious of how harmful it is to treat children in a degrading manner. Treating them with respect and recognizing the consequences of their being humiliated are by no means intellectual matters; otherwise, their importance would long since have been generally recognized.”

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“It is unlikely that someone could proclaim "truths" that are counter to physical laws for very long (for example, that it is healthy for children to run around in bathing suits in winter and in fur coats in summer) without appearing ridiculous. But it is perfectly normal to speak of the necessity of striking and humiliating children and robbing them of their autonomy, at the same time using such high-sounding words as chastising, upbringing, and guiding onto the right path.”

ChildrenLongRunningLawSpeakPathExampleHealthyNormalSummerWinterRidiculousSuitsCoatsAutonomyUnlikelyUpbringingFurAppearingRight PathHumiliatingBathingRobbingBathing SuitsPerfectly NormalFur Coats
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“Learning is a result of listening, which in turn leads to even better listening and attentiveness to the other person. In other words, to learn from the child, we must have empathy, and empathy grows as we learn.”

ChildrenPersonsTurnsGrowsResultsEducationLearningListeningEmpathyAttentivenessLearned Person
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“Sadism is not an infectious disease that strikes a person all of a sudden. It has a long prehistory in childhood and always originates in the desperate fantasies of a child who is searching for a way out of a hopeless situation.”

WayChildrenPersonsLongSituationFantasyChildhoodDiseaseStrikesDesperateHopelessSadismPrehistoryInfectious DiseasesHopeless Situations
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