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Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin

Book by Anaïs Nin · 5 quotes · Sadism, Sadistic, Joy

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Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin Quotes

“Over and over again I sail towards joy, which is never in the room with me, but always near me, across the way, like those rooms full of gayety one sees from the street, or the gayety in the street one sees from a window. Will I ever reach joy? It hides behind the turning merry-go-round of the traveling circus. As soon as I approach it, it is no longer joy. Joy is a foam, an illumination. I am poorer and hungrier for the want of it. When I am in the dance, joy is outside in the elusive garden. When I am in the garden, I hear it exploding from the house. When I am traveling, joy settles like an aurora borealis over the land I leave. When I stand on the shore I see it bloom on the flag of a departing ship. What joy? Have I not possessed it? I want the joy of simple colours, street organs, ribbons, flags, not a joy that takes my breath away and throws me into space alone where no one else can breathe with me, not the joy that comes from a lonely drunkenness. There are so many joys, but I have only known the ones that come like a miracle, touching everything with light.”

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“I will inflict upon the innocent Harry my new firmness and power. His worship adds to this new power. Here I am the conqueror, not the sufferer. It is not a story of love, it is a story of power. Poor Harry. I should deliver him of myself, for he has a dream of love. I have made all other women distasteful to him, and he is entirely at my mercy. Every gesture I make affects his body and soul. It is an unequal encounter. Yet he feels he is being given heaven itself, the answer to all his hungers. The hunger of the poor Jewish boy born in ugliness and deprivation.”

PsychopathSadisticSadism
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“My body was quiet after the orgy. I felt power; I felt I was taking revenge. I was inflicting pain, being unfaithful, desecrating all the delicacies in Bill and in myself. Wilson, who has big needs, needed me, wanted all I could give, wanted me for a wife, a collaborator, a mistress, one to enjoy power with, his two houses, his position of power, his last ten years of achievement, but I starve him, elude him. He telephones. I inflict the suffering on him that was inflicted on me by another, but only because I do not love. So it must mean that those who behaved as I do now do not love.”

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