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Braelyn Wilson Books

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Counting Stars

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“But mainly, to be human, it is... to be vulnerable. More importantly, to allow yourself to be vulnerable. To engulf yourself in vulnerability and to give yourself permission to drown in it. To be human... is to feel. To be human is to be conscious and aware of the role given to you, aware of what impact you need to make on this world. To be conscious and mindful of what energy you put out into this world, and the energy you allow yourself to receive. To be human is to experience. To make mistakes and learn from them, and make that same mistake again and learn from it once more. It is to obtain compassion and perspective and treat others with kindness, even when you, yourself, have not been treated the same. It is to move on, to detach, to go on with your life, meet new people, and repeat that endless cycle. It is to laugh and fill your body and every inch of your soul with laughter. It is to be around people who you love, who exert love, and who love you.”

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“He was sunny days and sunshine and rainbows, and I was the rain. Rainy days and cloudy skies and lightning. He was the sun; beaming and substantially bright, and warmth, as we knew, encompassed him. And I was the rain; my anger could be defined as stormy, and I was a walking rain cloud, full of gloom. My mind was always cloudy, and I found myself always crying and teary-eyed, which was, in my life, symbolizing the rain free-falling from the sky and into my heart. My heart was frozen, and it was so, so cold; as cold as the chilly air. Oh, God. I was the rain.”

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“I was rain, not only to myself, but to Caspian Marks, too. I wasn’t the kind of gloomy rain that was unwanted and unappreciated, though. Not to him. I was the kind that was necessary when you felt shriveled and dry; in need of something to give you energy and strength to lighten and flourish again. The kind that was like a breath of fresh air. The kind of rain that after, created rainbows. The kind of rain that was crucial—absolutely crucial—in romance movies when the most dramatic kiss of the century was cued to happen. I was Caspian Mark’s rain. I gave him energy and I revived him. I gave him air to breathe. My coldness reminded him that life was not always sunny or ideal, but would still be good, anyway. The rain, I suppose I was.”

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“He thought about it for a moment and laughed. Laughed this vibrant, spirited laugh that I wanted to hear on a loop for the rest of my days. It was the kind of laugh that you wanted playing from a stereo and having it on full blast while you drove in the car. The kind of laugh you wanted to be reminded of whenever you forgot it, which would be hard to forget, but in the case that you did, an instant reminder was in store. The kind that would never get old, no matter how many times you heard it. The kind of laugh that made your heart want to dance. That was his laugh. What his laugh was to me.”

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“He looked like the prime definition of someone who was at peace. At peace within themselves, at peace within the world. Caspian Marks was at peace, and I knew at that moment that he would be all right and would continue to be at peace whenever I left this world. Seeing him like that, right then and there, I think gave me every bit of reassurance I ever needed. Reassurance I wasn’t aware I needed in the first place.”

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“You are one of the very scarce souls that are left truly pure- hearted, Caspian Marks. I need you to promise me, to stop depending on me, thriving on our friendship, and detach yourself from me, because I will not allow myself, I will not allow this—what is to come—to corrupt you. Corrupt all that you are and all that you can be.”

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“I wanted to shove him off of me and tell him that he couldn’t love me, that he didn’t know me long enough, and that we were too young and he was too foolish and he didn’t know what he was talking about. He may have not known me long enough, but he knew me better than anyone else. And we may have been too young, but he was wise beyond the ages. And what he said may have been foolish, but he was the least foolish person I knew. And I couldn’t say he didn’t know what he was talking about, because Caspian Marks always knew what he was talking about, and he knew that he loved me.”

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“He cried and he cried, and his heart beat and leaped and danced and pranced, and for that moment, I thought, my heart is about to run off with his, and I’m not going to stop it. But I did. I stopped it. I grabbed my heart in the palm of my hands and I squeezed it. I squeezed it so hard. So hard so it was crippled enough to stay in place and not have the ability to move and feel every emotion and feeling it wanted to feel. And I cried. I cried and I cried, and my heart beat and leaped and danced and pranced and... I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I didn’t know what to feel and what not to feel.”

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“I am not okay with you attempting to fix a girl who is already broken beyond any sense of repair, Caspian Marks. It is not your job to repair what you have not broken. It is not your job to take time out of your life, your very meaningful life, all to help a girl who has never asked for it. You are always trying to rescue me like some damsel in distress when I do not want to be saved. I refuse to take away from you living your life, when I am already letting mine slip out of my hands, willingly. Let me go, Caspian Marks. You have to let me be.”

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“You may not mean something in your life, Brantley Thornton, but you certainly mean something in mine. And you may... you may not be the epitome of the perfect teenage girl; the textbook definition of one. The perfect girl who lives a movie-like life and is always happy and all smiles and always makes the right decisions and has no faults. But you are the epitome of my perfect girl, and in my world, what I would consider perfect.”

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“When I look in his eyes, I see the stars. I see the stars and how they gleam so bright with so much... purpose. His eyes, Doncia, his eyes... they call for me. They call for me to come home and to find peace in where I belong.” I paused. “Caspian Marks makes me feel at home. He and his star-brimmed, radiant eyes and stardust permeated soul, I think, is my home.”

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“Because when you have someone in your life that is more addicting than any drug or substance could ever be, I mean, those drugs and those substances have no actual use anymore. They can’t get you high in the way that that person does. Caspian Marks he... he gave me that high. Nothing in the world I could try was any bit comparable to that.”

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“He watched me. He didn’t move, he didn’t flinch, he didn’t try and act like he was watching the stars. And when he got caught, he didn’t even care. He watched me, anyway. And the stars that were in his eyes flowed over to mine and journeyed across my skin and streamed through my veins and made me feel like a star myself. It was at that moment I knew I’d be okay. That that would be my future in days to come and for eternity. And I was okay with it.”

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“Hold on, Brantley. Do not throw your life out of the window. You are broken now, maybe, yeah. You are broken and life feels like it is slipping through the tip of your fingers, and maybe that is because you are letting it, and maybe it is not. But who is to say that tomorrow will not be better? Who is to say that tomorrow will not be the best day of your life? You would never know because you would have already given it up. So hold on, Brantley Thornton. Hold on.”

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“Do I need to rip out my heart and replace it with yours so you can feel my love, Brantley Thornton? You will finally see how my heart beats and dances and leaps out of my chest... for you. Do I need to do it? Because I will. Right here, right now. I will do anything to show you that you are loved. I would do anything to make you feel some sort of love.” And I did. I did feel some sort of love. I felt his.”

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“And her eyes, they were still as crystal blue as they were when I met her, and I was sure, as blue as they were when she first came onto this earth. Her eyes were a light in this world, beaming and full, and they continued to burn brightly. The only time they would dare to diminish themselves of their light was when she lay her head to rest eternally.”

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“With him coming here, he has been able to be at ease again. His heart could finally rest from being constantly tortured. If he hadn’t met you, I gotta tell you, Brantley. I still think his heart would be in need of repair, and I think he would still have open, severed wounds. With meeting you, I think his wounds have finally been closed.”

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“I looked into his eyes, and I wish I hadn’t. Because they held this... aching compassion and this nagging fragility. And the way his arms brushed against mine, I could feel tenderheartedness and I could feel... lenity. I could feel all of these things that I hadn’t felt within myself for a long time. But I felt them around Caspian Marks.”

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