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Quote by Amy Schumer

“My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.”

Quote by Amy Schumer

Author

Amy Schumer, born on June 1, 1981, is an accomplished American stand-up comedian. Known for her unique humor style and self-deprecating wit, Schumer has emerged as a leading figure in the comedy world. She has made a name for herself in film, television, and stage performances, often tackling issues of gender, family, and society in her work, which has resonated with audiences. more

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“She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.”

Knows Mean Stills I Can Care Stuff Like You Months Fit Dresses Size Pregnant Who Cares Bragging Wedding Dress

Author:Amy Schumer

“I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.”

Today Blood Tests Aids

Author:Amy Schumer

“Out of nowhere she tells me that Oliver Stone - you know, the director - she's like, 'He has this huge Asian fetish, and I find it totally offensive.' And I'm like, 'Why, Kwan? That sounds awesome.' She's like, 'I'm offended because I'm Asian.' And I was just like, 'Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't even notice that. I thought you were just really tired.”

Knows Wells Sound Huge Directors Stones Tired Sorry Offensive I'm Sorry Offended Asian Fetish

Author:Amy Schumer

“He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.”

Wanted Causes Family Wife Weekend End Times Spend Time

Author:Amy Schumer

“Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?”

Way Want Wonder My Way Want Me Bathroom

Author:Amy Schumer

“I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.”

Knows Years School Three High School Crush Three Years Swear

Author:Amy Schumer

“Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?”

Want Real School Party High School Real Life Vampire Idiot Imaginary Inviting I'm Back Want To See You Your Weird

Author:Amy Schumer

“The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!”

Knows Kids Turns Forget Summer Excuse Call Me Never Forget Throwing Handful Pennies Amy Excuse Me

Author:Amy Schumer

“The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.”

Way I Can Hard Girl Drug Awful Skinny Vomiting

Author:Amy Schumer

“I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head.”

Knows Feels Kids Rocks Like You Be Good Cracks My Best Friend Counting

Author:Amy Schumer