“The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'” PeoplePartyTelevisionNightmareRest Of Your LifeBeing Funny Author:Conan O'Brien
“There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.” InspirationalWorstThis LifeGraduationLiberatingCommencementGreat GraduationWorst FearDartmouthCommencement SpeechGraduation SpeechGraduation CommencementMemorable Graduation Author:Conan O'Brien
“In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.” PeopleMovingFitLowsUnionsMoving ForwardOppositionPantsLegislationKeep Moving ForwardBansClevelandPlumber Author:Conan O'Brien
“Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.” Has BeensSaidStoriesGayClaimsRelatedTomsAttorneyExhaustionCruiseSuing Author:Conan O'Brien
“President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.” TodayLeftPresidentBaseballTradeCardsCanadaAwkwardSummitPresident BushBaseball Cards Author:Conan O'Brien
“According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.” IfsHas BeensStatesMovingChanceUnitedNumbersUnited StatesHigherPercentAdultsMexicoSurveys Author:Conan O'Brien
“Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.” IfsCountryLanguagePresidentSuccessfulPoliticianInspiredPresident Bush Author:Conan O'Brien
“When you live in an alcoholic family or an abusive family, you tiptoe, you don't want to step on any mines.” WantStepsMinesAlcoholicsAbusiveTiptoes Author:Glenn Beck
“Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.” WarStarsFansStoresToysDistinguishedNew DayInteractiveHigh TechnologyNew Toys Author:Conan O'Brien
“CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'” MenSaidCrazyNewsDictatorSaddamHusseinAnchorsCrazy ManNews Anchors Author:Conan O'Brien