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Sasha Sagan

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“I can imagine a world where I learn to be alone, learn to cook for one, learn to make lists (don’t forget to water the plants, the trash doesn’t magically take itself out to the curb, laundry must be moved from washer to dryer) and set timers and reminders and alarms and calendar invites to myself. When the phone rings, it won’t be Aidan. Here in this white on white with white accents space, I can see my things for what they are rather than what they remind me of. The monkey-wearing-a-top-hat lamp we bought laughing until we cried at a flea market in Wisconsin is now in a Goodwill in North Carolina. This light fixture was ordered by my sister from a website specializing in things without a soul.”

“And as I find my space for one here in Los Angeles, I find I don’t miss Aidan. I crave the Aidan-spaced shape my side is permanently curled into. I don’t long for my husband; I long for the way his citrusy cologne (which does not smell the same on me and I am not ready to forgive the perfumer nor my body’s chemistry for this affront) smelled when he wasn’t in the room. I miss missing him.”