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Man Hands

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Sarina Bowen

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“What do you mean? I don’t understand,” Hazel asked, wiping her tears. “Why couldn’t he apologize? All he had to do was say he was sorry and stop drinking. It’s not that difficult! But he did neither; he just abandoned me and all you kids.” “It’s harder than you think because we’re talking about two different kinds of apologies; one stems from guilt and the other from shame. Let me explain. Suppose I accidentally spilled coffee on Ethel’s favorite tablecloth. I’d immediately apologize for my mistake and wash it to make sure it didn’t leave a stain,” Shane said. “This type of apology is simple because it only draws into question a single accident. I’m guilty only of making a mistake. But things get much more complicated when an apology draws into question someone’s self-worth. Then we’re talking about shame—the feeling that I am bad rather than I did something bad.”

“People who do the worst things often don’t apologize, because it requires them to face their actions, which causes them to question their self-worth. To avoid that, they turn a blind eye to their actions and superficially prop themselves up by blaming others because if they face their actions, their low selfworth places them on thin ice. The fear of falling through and drowning in profound shame and self-loathing causes them to deflect their responsibility out of self-preservation. It’s easier to blame others or abandon the situation altogether than face their actions.”

“I’m not sure I understand,” Hazel said, holding back her anger. “You’re saying I’m supposed to forgive him even though he never said he was sorry?” “Yes, not out of respect for him, but out of respect for yourself. Don’t let any person or situation make you into someone you don’t want to be!”

“I’m not sure I understand,” Hazel said, holding back her anger. “You’re saying I’m supposed to forgive him even though he never said he was sorry?” “Yes, not out of respect for him, but out of respect for yourself. Don’t let any person or situation make you into someone you don’t want to be!” Shane said. “Hasn’t he taken enough from you already? Let him carry the burden of his actions when he crosses over. . . . They’re not yours to carry, and holding on to them only robs you of your happiness. If you can forgive him, knowing he will own his actions during his life review when he crosses over, it will set you free from the heavy burden of being judge and jury.”