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Our Chemical Hearts

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Krystal Sutherland

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“When I awoke again it was in a homesickness that felt physical, as its symptoms had been physical for seventeenth-century-century mercenary soldiers who'd fallen ill from being so far from home, the first to be diagnosed with the disease of nostalgia. Though never so acute, the longing for something I felt divided from, which was neither a time nor a place was but something formless and unnamed, had been with me since I was a child. Though now I want to say that the division I felt was, in a sense, within me: the division of being both here and not here, but rather there.”

Nostalgia
Book:Forest Dark
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“When I woke again, it was into a homesickness that felt physical, as its symptoms had been physical for seventeenth-century mercenary soldiers who'd fallen ill from being so far from home, the first to be diagnosed with the disease of nostalgia. Though never so acute, the longing for something formless and unnamed, had been with me since I was a child. Though now I want to say that the division I felt was, in a sense, within me: the division of being both here and not here, but rather there.”

Nostalgia
Book:Forest Dark
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“Ivo Andric, Bosnian chronicle (Quote about nostalgia, free translation from Bosnian lenguage) More than three hundred years ago, brought us from our homeland, a unique Andalusia, a terrible, foolish, fratricidal whirlwind, which we can not understand even today, and who has not understood it to this day, scattered us all over the world and made us beggars to which gold does not help. Now, threw us on the East, and life on the East is not easy for us or blessed, and the as much man goes further and gets closer to the sun's birth, it is worse, because the land is younger and more raw and people are from the land. And our trouble is that we could not fully love this country, to which we owe becouse it has received us, accept us and provided us with shelter, nor could we hate the one who has unjustly took us away and expelled us as an unworthly sons. We do not know is it more difficult that we are here or that we are not there. Wherever we were outside of Spain, we would suffer because we would have two homelands, I know, but here life is too much pressed us and humiliated us. I know that we have been changed for a long time,we do not remember anymore how we were, but surely we remember that we were different. We left and road up long time ago and we traveled hard and we unluckily fell down and stopped at this place, and that is why we are no longer even a shadow of what we were. As a powder on a fruit that goes hand-to-hand, from man first fall of what is finest on him. That's why we are like this. But you know us, us and our life, if we can call this life. We live between "occupiers" and commonalty, miserable commonalty and terrible Turkish. Cutted away completely from our loved ones, we are careful to look after and keep everything Spanish, songs and meals and customs, but we feel that everything changes in us, spoils and forgets. We remember the language of our land, the lenguage we did take and carried three centuries ago, the lenguage which even do not speak there anymore, and we ridiculously speak with stumbling the language of the comonalty with which we suffer and the Turkish who rules over us. So it may not be a long day when we will be purely and humanly able to express ourselves only in prayer, and which actually does not need any words. This so lonely and few, we marry between us and see that our blood is paling and fainting. We bend and shred in front of everyone, we mourn, suffer and contrive, as people said: on the ice we make campfire, we work, we gain, we save, not only for ourselves and for our children, but for all those who are stronger and more insolent, impudent than us and strike on our life , on the dignity, and on the wealth. So we preserved the faith for which we had to leave our beautiful country, but lost almost everything else. Luckily, and to our sorrow, we did not lose from our memory reminiscence of our dear country, as it was, before she drive away us like stepmother; just as it will never extinguish in us the desire for a better world, the world of order and humanity in which you goes stright, watches calmly and speaks openly. We can not free ourselves from that feeling, nor feeling that, in addition to everything, we belong to such a world, though, we are expelled and unhappy, otherwise we live. That's what we would like to know there. That our name does not die in that brighter and higher world that is constantly darkening and destroying, iconstantly moves and changes, but never collapses, and always for somebody exists, that that world knows that we are carrying him in our soul, that even here we serve him on our way, and we feel one with him, even though we are forever and hopelessly separated from him.”

Nostalgia
Book:Bosnian Chronicle
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“Con un salto il commissario fu sulla verandina. E lo vide, un puntolino a ripa di mare che si dirigeva verso Vigàta. In mutande com’era, si lanciò all’inseguimento. François non correva, camminava deciso. Quando sentì alle sue spalle i passi di qualcuno appresso a lui, si fermò senza manco voltarsi. Montalbano, col fiato grosso, gli si accoccolò davanti, ma non gli spiò niente. Il picciliddro non piangeva, gli occhi erano fermi, taliavano al di là di Montalbano. «Je veux maman» disse. Vide arrivare Livia di corsa, s’era infilata una sua camicia, la fermò con un gesto, le fece capire di tornare a casa. Livia obbedi. Il commissario pigliò il picciliddro per mano e principiarono a caminare a lento a lento. Per un quarto d’ora non si dissero una parola. Arrivati a una barca tirata a sicco, Montalbano s’assittò sulla rena, François gli si mise allato e il commissario gli passò un braccio attorno alle spalle. «Iu persi a me matri ch’era macari cchiù nicu di tia» esordì. E iniziarono a parlare, il commissario in siciliano e François in arabo, capendosi perfettamente. Gli confidò cose che mai aveva detto a nessuno, manco a Livia. Il pianto sconsolato di certe notti, con la testa sotto il cuscino perché suo padre non lo sentisse; la disperazione mattutina quando sapeva che non c’era sua madre in cucina a preparargli la colazione o, qualche anno dopo, la merendina per la scuola. Ed è una mancanza che non viene mai più colmata, te la porti appresso fino in punto di morte. Il bambino gli spiò se lui aveva il potere di far tornare sua madre. No, rispose Montalbano, quel potere non l’aveva nessuno. Doveva rassegnarsi. Ma tu avevi tuo padre, osservò François che era intelligente davvero e non per vanto di Livia. Già, avevo mio padre. E allora, spiò il picciliddro, lui era inevitabilmente destinato ad andare a finire in uno di quei posti dove mettono i bambini che non hanno né padre né madre? «Questo no. Te lo prometto» disse il commissario. E gli porse la mano. François gliela strinse, taliandolo negli occhi.”

NostalgiaMorteFamiglia
Book:The Snack Thief
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“Mille pensieri gli passavano per la testa, ma non arrinisciva a fermarne uno. Arrivato al faro non s’arrestò. C’era, proprio sotto il faro, uno scoglio grosso, scivoloso di lippo verde. Riuscì ad arrivarci rischiando ad ogni passo di cadere in mare, ci s’assittò sopra, cartoccio in mano. Ma non lo raprì, sentiva una specie di ondata acchianargli da qualche parte del corpo verso il petto e da lì salire ancora verso la gola, formando un groppo che l’assufficava, gli faceva mancare il fiato. Provava il bisogno, la necessità, di piangere, ma non gli veniva. Poi, nella confusione dei pensieri che gli traversavano il ciriveddro, alcune parole divennero di prepotenza più nitide, fino al punto di comporre un verso: «Padre che muori tutti i giorni un poco...». Cos’era? Una poesia? E di chi? Quando l’aveva letta? Ripeté il verso a mezza voce: «Padre che muori tutti i giorni un poco...». E finalmente dalla gola sino a quel momento chiusa, serrata, il grido gli niscì, ma più che un grido un alto lamento d’animale ferito al quale, immediate, fecero seguito le lacrime inarrestabili e liberatorie.”

NostalgiaMorteFamiglia
Book:The Snack Thief
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