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Quote by Mayumi Cruz

“You still lost, Marj. You still got hurt. And losing and hurting are what I don’t want.” Her sister held her stare. “Do you honestly think you’re not losing and hurting now, as you speak?” She didn’t have an answer to that. She didn’t need to. Her heart was busy shattering into pieces. Why was that? She got out before she was even in, didn’t she? She should be congratulating herself for being spared of the certainty of heartbreak and tears. Why was she feeling like a huge part of herself was gone, replaced by a bottomless hole where regret and longing suddenly took up residence, and where questions like ‘if you were only brave enough’ and ‘what if things turn out differently than you expected’ echoed endlessly within its walls?”

Quote by Mayumi Cruz

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It's Not Just Semantics

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Mayumi Cruz

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“People think they have all the time in the world, that they know how to plan things. And that is why they don't take chances. It's those who know that everything can change in the blink of an eye and that our plans are at the mercy of destiny: it's they who know how to take chances, how to make mistakes, how to live. Nothing is ever actually a mistake. Do the same mistake at a different time, in a different place, in a different season, and it would be considered perfect. There are no mistakes, there is only destiny colliding with time and with our own definition of planning. We make the mistake of trying to dictate, that's what we do. If we were not always trying to control time and outcome, we would see, that everything flows. It all flows. We try to put the river into a bucket and tell it where to go and that is the only actual mistake that any of us have ever made.”

“The ticket in my hand moved in the slight fall breeze as I staggered back onto my rock. My body shivered. I should have been shocked by the paper in my hand. I should have called Professor Golkov and asked him for answers or more information. I should have just gone back to my dorm and ignored the unfamiliar feeling rising through me. I should have done a lot of things, but I always did what I should. When the foreign feeling spread through me and filled my being, I finally realized what it was. Thrill. I felt like I held the answer to my life’s puzzle in my hands.”

“I had grown up thinking of life as a series of linear decisions that if made properly would land me on some distant safe shore where I would finally enjoy the fruits of my labor. Now that I was getting a glimpse of that shore I was struck by the inanity of such an equation. My mother was never going to get another chance to do anything else. She did not have the capacity for regrets, nor was she even able to enjoy the comfort of nostalgia or fond memories--her mind had leaked away too imperceptibly to allow for the clarity to look back on her life and wish she had done things differently. As I continued to worry over what sort of future I was setting myself up for, she seemed a painful cautionary tale that life was not a savings plan, accrued now for enjoyment later. I was alive now. My responsibility was to live now as fully as possible.”