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Pinwheels and Dandelions

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Charlena E. Jackson

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“Dear Hourglass, Months ago, you were turned upside down. I do not know why. I haven’t seen the moon in months. I guess that is why I’ve been fighting the tides. There’s no way I can humble the tides in my mind without the moon. Where is the moon? It is supposed to balance the tides and my emotions. I guess that is why I am drowning. Hourglass, are the grains of sand all in the other end? Tell me, has my time run out to change? May you give me another chance? My heart is in chains. Can the stars untangle the chains that are suffocating it? Or have the stars forgotten all about me too? I hope not. I need the moon and the stars to help me get through the rough tides and unpredictable currents. Everything is closing in.”

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“I had a bad dream. The sky was falling down, and the moon disappeared. The stars fell into the ocean, and the ocean had a lot of smoke coming from it because the water put the stars' light out. I found myself talking in my sleep, begging the moon not to give up on me. I am willing to turn my life around if the moon and stars give me another chance.”

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“Dear Surrender, What is the bigger picture? Is it life or death? In my life, it can’t be both. Is it happiness or sadness? Once again, in my life, it can’t be both. Can you show me? Which one is it? Am I missing something here? I was told when I was younger that life didn’t give a shit about me. Yeah, clearly, I know that and have no doubt my mother was right about that. That was by far the only thing she was right about. Other than that, my mother is an epic failure. However, they say life is what you make it. Is that true? All my life, I’ve been trying to ‘make it,’ but the only thing I’ve done is—fail. I’ve been trying to ‘make it,’ but when I reach the top, I am kicked back down. I’ve been trying to ‘make it,’ but when I feel like hope has crossed my path, it has been tackled down once again by one too many challenges. I am ‘making it’ the best way I can, but life beats me down when I try my hardest to get up. What am I supposed to do? Surrender? If so, what am I surrendering to? Love, hope, peace, joy, happiness, Kace? Myself? Who or what? Tell me what to do! Show me, please! Lead the way. I promise I will follow. Right here, right now, I surrender.”

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“They say life is what you make it. Is that true? All my life, I’ve been trying to ‘make it,’ but the only thing I’ve done is—fail. I’ve been trying to ‘make it,’ but when I reach the top, I am kicked back down. I’ve been trying to ‘make it,’ but when I feel like hope has crossed my path, it has been tackled down once again by one too many challenges. I am ‘making it’ the best way I can, but life beats me down when I try my hardest to get up. What am I supposed to do?”

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“I have realized; it is during the times I am far outside my element that I experience myself the most. That I see and feel who I really am, the most! I think that's what a comet is like, you see, a comet is born in the outer realms of the universe! But it's only when it ventures too close to our sun or to other stars that it releases the blazing "tail" behind it and shoots brazen through the heavens! And meteors become sucked into our atmosphere before they burst like firecrackers and realize that they're shooting stars! That's why I enjoy taking myself out of my own element, my own comfort zone, and hurling myself out into the unknown. Because it's during those scary moments, those unsure steps taken, that I am able to see that I'm like a comet hitting a new atmosphere: suddenly I illuminate magnificently and fire dusts begin to fall off of me! I discover a smile I didn't know I had, I uncover a feeling that I didn't know existed in me... I see myself. I'm a shooting star. A meteor shower. But I'm not going to die out. I guess I'm more like a comet then. I'm just going to keep on coming back.”

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Author:C. JoyBell C.
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“Dear Karma, I am always being struck by the lighting and shaken by the thunder. Why is that? I was born into this world cursed. How is that fair to my brother or me? We should have been born with a clean slate. It is not fair that we have to carry the karma from our past lives or our family fuck-ups. We do not deserve that. We deserve to walk on our own path and make our own mistakes, not cleaning up other people’s shit from their past or the choices they made. Kace and I do not know how to clean up a mess that we didn’t make. However, for some reason, we are paying the price. Yeah, we are paying the price—a high price at that. When will it be over? Will it extend in another life as well? Karma, if you are the only thing that can change Kace’s and my fate—then what are you waiting for? Do you not think we’ve suffered enough? We do not deserve this shit.”

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“Right now, just for tonight and tomorrow, I am in hibernation as I unfold the memories that once hunted me. These memories have taken me to the highest point, and they most definitely have dragged me to my lowest point. They have dragged me so low to the point that my feelings and emotions are deeper than the sea.”

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“Dear Halo, I see you. You are the light around the moon, and I know that you are the light above my head. You are a reflection of what and who I want to be. Therefore, tonight is the perfect time to reflect. There have been so many times, if not all the time, that the halation of light has spread in my life beyond its boundaries and has formed a fog everywhere. However, I have you right above my head to help me direct my path. I have changed. I have worked so hard on—me, Ember. I feel like when it comes to my mom, I am like water in the sink. My emotions go around and around in circles because she has drained me and taken everything from me. She is so good at pulling the plug on everything I’ve worked so hard to accomplish. I never gave away my power—it’s just that I am depleted. Right now, just for tonight and tomorrow, I am in hibernation as I unfold the memories that once hunted me. These memories have taken me to the highest point, and they most definitely have dragged me to my lowest point. They have dragged me so low to the point that my feelings and emotions are deeper than the sea. The name I use for Mom is—claustrophobia. She is the person I fear most, for Kace’s sake. Every time I see her, she closes me in—in a confined space in my heart and in my mind. Anxiety takes over me because I knew this day would come—that she would try to get custody of Kace. When I see her, I lose control... seeing her and thinking of her sends my mind to claustrophobia. The memories and remembrance of her close me in, and they trap me every single time—that is why I am in here. I have to control it. From this day forth, I am not surrounded by death. I am not mentally folding up in a ball. I am a parachute. I am free. I am flying like a bald eagle. I’m going in a direction where I cannot and will not carry dead weight. From now on, I am dealing with certain people with a long-handled spoon.”

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