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Finding Kyler

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Siobhan Davis

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“I want to slap him. Curse him. Scream at him. Slap him some more. I want to reach a hand into his chest and squeeze that life-sustaining organ until he collapses from the lack of blood flow and the agonizing pain pummeling his heart until it’s scarcely beating. I want him to hurt so badly that he can barely breathe while strips tear from his heart. I want him to feel everything I’m feeling. To hurt as much as I do. I want all that. But I can’t convince myself it’s the truth. Because I love him too much. I don’t want him to hurt like that.”

“I don’t know how to exist without him,” I admit truthfully. “He has always been a part of me, and trying to survive without him is slowly chipping away at my soul, yet the hurt still exists, refusing to go away. It devastated me, Liv, and it turns my stomach every time I think of it, yet the images won’t go away. They are as sharp in my mind as if I was an actual fly on the wall. If there was a defining moment, that was definitely it.”

“You are ripping at my heart, Kes. Every time I reach out and you pull back. Every time you offer a smile to someone who's not me. When you doubt me, or mistrust me, or hide your secrets away, it's like a claw that shreds me from within. When we're together, I forget how to breathe, but when we're apart, I realize you've become my air. I want you to take a risk, but take it with me. Risk yourself with me... If you can't cross this bridge between us, or you won't, then tell me now and let me tear you from my soul. But don't hold me in this awful middle place where I can't get closer and I can't get away from you.”

“I lie awake in bed until way past midnight, fervently hoping Ky is going make an appearance at any moment to explain his behavior. But as the clock chimes two, I have no choice but to face facts. He isn’t coming. And it feels ominous. Like the winds are changing, and destiny is altering. His absence is more than telling. It has a finality to it that scares me half to death.”

“I lean my head back and stare at the stark white ceiling. “My friend Zoe used to say I had obsessive compulsive disorder when it came to Kalvin Kennedy, and I argued nonstop with her about it, but she was right. I see that now. There was nothing healthy or normal about the way I crushed on him. I had no interest in slapping 1D on my walls when the hottest boy on the planet lived in the house next door.”