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Triggered: A Memoir of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

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Fletcher Wortmann

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“A name,” the windspren said, walking through the air to stand beside his face. She was in the shape of a young woman, complete with flowing skirt and delicate feet. “Sylphrena.” “Sylphrena,” Kaladin repeated, tying on the sandals. “Syl,” the spirit said. She cocked her head. “That’s amusing. It appears that I have a nickname.” “Congratulations.” Kaladin stood up again, wobbling.”

“The sorrow,” Shallan said softly, “of watching a life crumble? Of struggling to grab it and hold on, but feeling hope become stringy sinew and blood beneath your fingers as everything collapses?” “Yes.” “The sensation—it’s not sorrow, but something deeper—of being broken. Of being crushed so often, and so hatefully, that emotion becomes something you can only wish for. If only you could cry, because then you’d feel something. Instead, you feel nothing. Just . . . haze and smoke inside. Like you’re already dead.” He stopped in the chasm. She turned and looked to him. “The crushing guilt,” she said, “of being powerless. Of wishing they’d hurt you instead of those around you. Of screaming and scrambling and hating as those you love are ruined, popped like a boil. And you have to watch their joy seeping away while you can’t do anything. They break the ones you love, and not you. And you plead. Can’t you just beat me instead?” “Yes,” he whispered. Shallan nodded, holding his eyes. “Yes. It would be nice if nobody in the world knew of those things, Kaladin Stormblessed. I agree. With everything I have.” He saw it in her eyes. The anguish, the frustration. The terrible nothing that clawed inside and sought to smother her. She knew. It was there, inside. She had been broken. Then she smiled. Oh, storms. She smiled anyway.”

“لقد أخبرتني أن الأمر سيزداد سوءًا." قال وِت: ”ستسوء الأمور، ولكن بعد ذلك ستتحسن. ثم ستسوء مرة أخرى. ثم تتحسن. هذه هي الحياة، ولن أكذب بالقول أنَّ كل يوم سيكون مشرقًا. ولكن الشمس ستشرقُ مجددًا، وهذا قولٌ مختلف تمامًا. هذه هي الحقيقة. أعدك يا كالادان: سيغْمُركَ الدفء مجددًا.”

“Thanks to meetings and discussions with experts in the natural sciences, with physicists and biologists as well as with historians, I have learned to appreciate the importance of those other branches of knowledge which involve the scientific disciplines; these are likewise capable of attaining the truth from different perspectives. The splendor of the truth–Veritatis Splendor–constantly needs to accompany them, enabling people to meet, to exchange ideas, and to enrich one another.”