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Trust Exercise

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Susan Choi
Susan Choi

Susan Choi is an American novelist known for her distinctive narrative style and profound insights into social issues. Her works often explore themes of race, class, and identity, earning her praise from readers and critics alike. more

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“Yesterday I walked to Clerkenwell in the morning and stood by the iron grate where the Fleet flows, and listened, and imagined I heard the waters of all the rivers I have known - the head of the Fleet at Hampstead where I played when I was young, and the wide Thames, and the Blackwater, with its secrets that were hardly worth keeping. Then it carried me in spate to the Essex shore, to all the marsh and the shingle, and I tasted on my lips the salt air which is also like the flesh of oysters, and I felt my heart cleaving, as I felt it there in the dark wood on the green stair and as I feel it now: something severed, something joined. The sun on my back through the window is warm and I hear a chaffinch singing. I am torn and I am mended - I want everything and need nothing - I love you and I am content without you.”

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“I’m also doing it because I’m terrified,” I said. Daniel watched me a moment. “Of what?” He said “oh,” I said. “Everything. But mostly my impermanence.” His eyes searched my face. “Some people are comforted by that,” I said. “Not me. I like existing. At least most of the time. I like having a body. I want to keep it. But someday I won’t have anymore. That’s unsettling.” I look at the chip railing on the dock. “And I’m scared of being buried underground where worms and bugs will digest my remains. I know I won’t be conscious, but still. Does that sound pleasant to you? I’m scared of being burned into a pile of oxidized matter. I’m scared of rioting and decaying.” I was building up steam now. “I’m scared that I don’t matter, even a little bit, and that no one matters and nothing matters. I’m scared that it all matters and I’m effing it up. I’m scared I’m living my short life wrong in every possible way. I’m scared I’ve already made so many mistakes and I don’t have enough time to fix them. I’m scared I won’t die with the slightest amount of dignity, like on the toilet or watching bravo. I’m scared no one will care when I do. I’m scared the only person I ever loved wasn’t real. I’m scared I will never get over him. And I’m scared I’m making the same mistake again.”

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