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I.M. Millennial Biography

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“Granny flats are misnamed. They were once intended for older relatives, so they can live near their adult children and grandchildren. Hence the appellation. Down in the lowlands of Boomertown, there are many such little residences. But they’re not for grannies. Instead, the buildings should be called ‘children and grandchildren emergency shelters’ because that’s what they’ve become. Whole families cram themselves into a few dozen square metres of space and meanwhile, the grandparents stay in the big main house, rattling around their many empty rooms like rubber balls in a vast squash court.”

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“Many of my parents’ friends own more than one house, sometimes so many that whole dwellings sit unused and empty for years. And so it’s an odd contradiction that they often seem to get stuck on the most minute details when it comes to renovations. My hypothesis is that this is a way to feel the thrill of ownership come to life again. It’s polishing the already gilded lily.”

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“The house is in moderate condition, but when we do the usual dance of exploring the price range, the agent clarifies that the owner has high expectations. The owner interjects and I hear the full story from the man himself. ‘My house has been valued at a million,’ he says with a grin. ‘Though I’ve been told it might be worth more than that. Would you believe it only cost me a year’s income back in the eighties? Had three children and never had to worry about money or a place to live. And now the value of it just keeps going up! It’s unbelievable what people have to pay for houses these days. Never would have imagined it.’ He cackles at this, as if it’s the funniest thing in the world.”

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“Land is expensive,’ my mother says with a shrug. ‘We built most of our first house ourselves from a kit set. You should do the same. Or you could live in a caravan for a while.’ Like most people our age, we could live in a caravan for several years and still not afford to buy land in a location near where we could find work. And even if we were to buy land, new building regulations and ever stricter environmental laws make it near impossible for anyone to build a house themselves, let alone live in a caravan while doing so. I know someone who tried living in a tiny home on her own land and lasted three months before the Boomer neighbours on each side of her property reported her to the council. She received a fine and was evicted from her own patch. Whatever property ladder existed before has been long ago pulled up by the Boomers and the Trailers who trail behind them.”

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“Bailey, Ace and I continue to look for a place to live, and, it would seem, so is everyone else. In fact, word around Eden Perch is that a prosperous millennial woman from Boomer City has expressed interest in the scrubby lot that sits behind my parents’ home. According to my mother’s contact, the woman is not only interested in purchasing the land but also in building. With this revelation, the whole suburb is in an uproar. None of the other residents of Eden Perch want to buy the plot, but they don’t want anyone else to have it either. And now that someone else has shown interest, every objection comes crawling up to meet the challenge.”

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“Dr Babbington snorts a mighty snort of derision. ‘You young people spend entirely too much time online, self-diagnosing.’ He pauses and adds with a smile, ‘You all turn up here telling me that you’ve got this or that and talking about worst-case scenarios. You need to leave medicine to the medical professionals. That’s what we’ve been trained to do.”

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“In between one heartbeat and the next, I know my time in Boomertown is at an end. And not even for my sake or Bailey’s, but for Ace’s. I came, I saw, and unlike Caesar, I did not conquer. But then, I never could have done that, anyway. I think that’s the real secret to the Boomer generation. They gave us a rigged game from the start. Gen X, Millennials and Zoomers played against the house. We were told we could win if we just worked hard enough, but most of us have lost out in some way or another.”

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“Kindness has no price. It isn’t for sale but comprises the tens, hundreds and even thousands of ways we relate to people. It’s a lesson that I don’t feel most Boomers have ever understood. For them, everything in the world has a price tag. But then, that’s what they’ve learned from their time and place in the world. Anyone and anything can be bought.”

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“So, when can your mother expect another grandchild?’ Mrs Dankworth utters, just as the tea is being poured. I stare at Mrs Dankworth, well aware that my mother’s eyes are on me. I consider a comeback, but respond with a lame, ‘I guess time will tell, Mrs Dankworth. It will depend on what happens in life and what Bailey and I want to do.’ It isn’t the answer I want to give. I want to tell Mrs Dankworth to take a short walk off a long pier, to swim with a pod of sharks, to have a stroke, to be eaten by her five cats. But I’m conditioned to be polite to a generation of people that can demand any information from me they want without consequence.”

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“I’ve found environmentalism isn’t popular with many Boomers unless it gives them good social value; a round of applause for recycling or for purchasing themselves the latest state-of-the-art electric car. They were born amid one of the largest eras of value-by-resource-extraction, and they’re just not wired to understand scarcity.”

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“I’m her grandmother!’ my mother repeats, now shouting. ‘I have rights. I get a say in how she lives her life!’ That’s what it comes down to, doesn’t it? Rights. Who has the right to dictate to family, friends and the world about how people should live, how things should work and what life means? Boomers have expressed these rights for decades. And they’ve refused to cede authority and autonomy to the generations that follow. Even the Trailers live in the Boomers’ shadow.”

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“To better gain economies of scale, higher sales and lower costs, shops everywhere have ballooned into tremendous warehouses. They are staffed by young people who have less knowledge about hardware than I do, and who roam the aisles looking for places to hide from their most voracious and vicious customer; the Boomer on a mission to buy hardware.”

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