“Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?” Quote by Anthony Jeselnik
“Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.” IfsMenTwoJobsHalfCrazyJewExpectedBossCharlieBack To WorkTwo And A Half Men Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.” CryUpsetGirlfriendMy GirlfriendHaircutsNew GirlfriendNew Haircut Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.” ChildrenWholeShowsSimpleLevelsComedyChangedSonMarriedIncrediblesActressesAnarchyMarried With Children Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.” KnowsWellsLooksKnow HowGreenUnclesCreepy Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.” FeelsShowsSoundTvsNormalThirdsCollapseTowersSeptemberTv ShowsSeptember 11ClipSeptember 11thNew Normal Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.” PeopleYearsRememberBlackLinesSlaveWayneRemember YouRemembers YouBrady Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Like a good general, I treated everyone who wasnt with me as against me.” Treated Author:Michael Dukakis
“What do you do if youre in a room with Muammar Qaddafi, Saddam Hussein, and John Sununu, and you have a gun with only two bullets? Shoot Sununu twice.” IfsTwoRoomsGunBulletsSaddamHussein Author:Michael Dukakis