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Quote by Christopher Titus

“A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.”

Quote by Christopher Titus

Author

Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus is an American comedian known for his unique humor style and autobiographical comedy. Born on October 1, 1964, he has had a career in comedy for over 30 years. Titus' work often involves personal experiences, including his family background, marriage, and professional challenges. more

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“I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, "Look at the fairy!" I was a wood nymph.”

Knows Firsts Looks I Can Play Rooms Dad Involved My Dad Woods Fairy Grades Scream Get Involved Nymphs Blowing It

Author:Christopher Titus

“Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.”

Broken News My Family Busy Hey Extras Seconds Bad News

Author:Christopher Titus

“To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.”

Success Growing Up Successful Growing Amount Dad My Dad Being Successful Get Over Hurdle

Author:Christopher Titus

“Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.”

People Sometimes Helping Love You Commit Felony

Author:Christopher Titus

“If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.”

Ifs Helping Running Asks Dad My Dad Texas Highways Vulture Armadillos

Author:Christopher Titus

“Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.”

Knows Stills Song Hours Growing Up Growing Stupid Wall Dad Singing Sitting Beer Hated Bottles Road Trip Sitting Still

Author:Christopher Titus

“Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!”

People Believe Persons Perfect Lovers Dad Normal Raised My Dad Your Soul Nails Soulmate Having Hope Your Best Friend Perfect Love Your Soulmate

Author:Christopher Titus

“There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my *Mom*!”

Knows Night Middle Mom Members My Family Police Seven My Mom Family Members Middle Of The Night

Author:Christopher Titus

“Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?”

People Men Dies Party Happened Surprise Offensive Uncles Pearls Harbors Massacres 50th Birthday Birthday Party

Author:Christopher Titus

“Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.”

Should England Should I

Author:Christopher Titus