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Quote by Christopher Titus

“Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?”

Quote by Christopher Titus

Author

Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus is an American comedian known for his unique humor style and autobiographical comedy. Born on October 1, 1964, he has had a career in comedy for over 30 years. Titus' work often involves personal experiences, including his family background, marriage, and professional challenges. more

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“Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.”

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“It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.”

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“Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.”

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“In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create *new* petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!”

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“My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.”

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“I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.”

Heart Faces Guy Father Water Week Jokes Clean Practicals Dry Hospitals Cake Scratches Balloons Heart Attack Testicles Practical Joke

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“If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!”

Ifs Want Dangerous Danger Girlfriend Your Girlfriend

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“My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!”

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“Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.”

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“The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.”

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