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Quote by Anthony Jeselnik

“Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.”

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Anthony Jeselnik, born on December 22, 1978, is an American comedian known for his sharp wit and unique performance style. He has gained recognition for his appearances in comedy clubs and television shows. more

“Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'”

Way Needs Home Care Night Alive Baby Return Picks Take Care Girlfriend Coming Home Every Night Apartment My Girlfriend

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.”

Guy Hats Yankees Caps

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.”

Difficult Tough Passing Away

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.”

People Thinking Black Racism Skins Racist Black People All Black

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.”

Knows Play Night Hate Sound Laughing Originals Girlfriend Seats Toilets Wraps My Girlfriend Make Me Laugh Pranks Toilet Seat

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.”

Thinking Knows Names Gay My Friends

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.”

Want Simple Family Hell My Sister Immediate Family

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

Quote by Anthony Jeselnik

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