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I Am Not Thirteen

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A.O. Monk

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“Tom grabbed his arm and pointed gasping, at the dime-store window. They stood there, unable to move because of the things from another world displayed so neatly, so innocently, so frighteningly, there. ‘Pencils, Doug, ten thousand pencils!‘ ‘Oh, my gosh!‘ ‘Nickel tablets, dime tablets, notebooks, erasers, water colors, rulers, compasses, a hundred thousand of them!‘ ‘Don‘t look. Maybe it‘s just a mirage.”

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“I remember back when I was in school. When things were more normal. I remember how hard everything was. Every exam, every essay. I remember thinking how it would be easier to die than to write the first word on an empty screen. Every. Single. Time. And my parents always saying you'll be fine, you'll be fine. Stop worrying. You always do well. And I hated that they were right. I hated them for being right. Every. Single. Time. Because just once, I wanted someone to acknowledge how hard it all really was. The crying and the dying and the headaches and the heartaches. To say it out loud so that I could hear it. Just once. And then I'd just get on with it. But I'd know that they knew that it wasn't fine at all and that it probably never would be. But we'd just get on with it. Like we always do.”

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