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Quote by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.

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Body Keeps The Score

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Bessel van der Kolk M.D.

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“Atunci când e mainstream să nu judeci, se susțin indirect patologii și abuzuri. O persoană matură și responsabilă care are discernământ poate alege să spună adevărul, să fie onestă în legătură cu problemele emoționale și intențiile sale. Aici este vorba de onoare și respect vizavi de tine și de cei din jur. Acest set de valori poate fi dobândit cultural, în familie, din educație. De fapt, aceasta este și cheia pentru atingerea intimității și a satisfacției sexuale. Manipularea și minciuna pentru obținerea sexului sunt bariera în atingerea intimității. Sigur ai acces la un corp, dar sexul practicat în minciună, te face practic un impostor la… pat.”

Psychology
Book:Sexualitatea astăzi, între sacru și banal. Ghid de supraviețuire în jungla urbană
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“Cred că se face confuzie între termenul experiență și traumă. Experiența te face un om mai bogat, trauma nu. O persoană, fie că e bărbat sau femeie, dacă nu are dorința firească și naturală de a explora, de a cunoaște, de a experimenta, e bolnavă. Dacă nu e bolnavă, mai rămâne posibilitatea că trăiește într-un mediu nepotrivit, iar expunerea la mediul nesănătos o poate afecta. Nu poți sa te închizi în casă, să te sigilezi de lume și să pretinzi că ești sănătos pentru a te feri de ce se întâmplă în afara casei.”

Psychology
Book:Sexualitatea astăzi, între sacru și banal. Ghid de supraviețuire în jungla urbană
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“We all want our partners to reach in and heal the young wounded parts of us with their love. And they always, to some degree, fail us. Because they are human and therefore imperfect. Because, on the day you most need them, they have a toothache and can't be bothered. Because in that perfect moment when you throb with desire, they ate and drank too much and just want to go to sleep. The tough news here is that the only person who can with absolute consistency be there for our inner children is us. And that's okay. That's enough. Once we learn how to do it.”

LoveRelationshipsPsychology
Book:Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
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“So, here's the first tip for working on your partner's core negative image of you: the more you refute it, the more you'll reinforce it. But the more you admit to the kernel of truth within your partner's exaggeration, the greater the odds that the exaggeration will relax. Try it. Don't defend yourself - yield. Yielding can work as a core negative image buster.”

LoveRelationshipsPsychologyCouples Therapy
Book:Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
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“Take a break, throw some water on your face, take cleansing breaths with long exhalations, go for a walk. But don't try to grapple with relational issues from your Adaptive Child. Get yourself reseated in your Wise Adult before attempting repair. Ask yourself which part of you is talking right now, and what that part's real agenda is. If your agenda in that moment is to be right, to gain control, to vent, retaliate, or withdraw - then stop, call a formal time-out if need be, and get yourself recentered. The only agenda that will work is the one about finding a solution. Only then will you have any luck using your newly cultivated sills.”

LoveRelationshipsPsychologyCouple Therapy
Book:Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
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“...the day you turn to the person sleeping next to you and realize that you have been had, that this is not the person you fell in love with, and that this is all some dreadful mistake—that, Framo claims, is the first day of your real marriage. Welcome to humanity. No gods or goddesses here. And what a great thing that turns out to be. While we may long to be married to perfection, it turns out it is precisely the collision of your particular imperfections with mine—and how we as a couple handle that collision—that is the guts, the actual stuff of intimacy. Harmony, then disharmony, then repair is the essential rhythm of all close relationships. It's like walking. You have your balance, then you stumble. You catch yourself and rebalance.”

LoveRelationshipsPsychologyCouple Therapy
Book:Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
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“We tell ourselves a story about what just happened, and our feelings most often follow the story we've constructed. Belinda is being nice. Belinda is being sarcastic. Living beyond individualism requires each of us to take responsibility for our own constructions. "What I make up" is a phrase I ask my clients to use. What I make up is that you're being sarcastic. What I make up is that under your anger, there's hurt. We are not clairvoyant, and neither are we the authoritative voice of objective reality. Keep it subjective; keep it humble. "This was my experience, right or wrong. This is how I recollect it. This is the story I tell myself about it." Here's the trick. For the most part, you cannot violate someone when you speak from the I.”

LoveRelationshipsPsychologyConflictCouple Therapy
Book:Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
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“Prior learning sends related information down from the top layers of our six-neuron-deep column to shape our perception of what we are seeing or hearing or touching or smelling or tasting. There is no "immaculate perception"; perception is virtually always a blend of what we are sensing now and what we've learned previously.”

PsychologyPerception Of RealityNeurobiologyPerception And RealityPerceived RealitySix Neuron Deep
Book:Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation
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