“He'd been in surgery for-like-ever, then in recovery, but they put him in a room because, despite the amount of blood loss, his wounds were no longer life threatening. "You here to get in my pants?" he asked.
"You're not wearing any pants," I reminded him. "You're wearing a girly gown with a built-in ass ventilator.”
Source: Second Grave on the Left
“The problem is that you think 30 and 40 and 50 is a lot when you should be using the same logic to explain why 30,000,000 and 40,000,000 and 50,000,000 is a lot.
The number is not the problem. The application of your logic to a small number instead of a big one is the problem.”
“And you practically raped that biker guy, which, by the way, what the fuck was that about? Scraping the bottom of the barrel there, Charles.”
“And that barrel is hot.” I looked down at Artemis. “And Donovan’s genuine. He would sell me to the highest bidder for a carburetor, and we both know it.”
Source: Third Grave Dead Ahead
“The funny thing about GPS was it didn’t always send you in the right direction.
I knew that if I took a right and took Twelfth instead, I’d get there faster, so I turned right. Ozzy did not approve.
“Wut the foock?”
Did he just say the F-word?
“Ya not even foocking listening.”
“Ha! This is great,” I said to the dead naked guy. He ignored me. Ozzy was so entertaining”
Source: Fifth Grave Past the Light
“I was freaking her out, but someone had to do it, damn it”
Source: Fifth Grave Past the Light
“My plans often went awry. Much like my thoughts. Hold the phones. Maybe SATAN had A.D.D. too. It would explain a lot.”
Source: Fifth Grave Past the Light
“Cookie&Charley Coffee moments:
“You did your dishes with shampoo?”
“It was either that or my apricot body scrub.”
“No, good call. A little shampoo won’t hurt you.”
Source: Fifth Grave Past the Light
“Our relationship was a lot like underwear in a dryer without a static control sheet. One minute we were floating through life, buoyant and carefree. The next we were attached at the crotch”
Source: Fifth Grave Past the Light
“I was busy perusing the suicide notes and waiting for Belvedere's water to finish its treatment when I heard a thud from Cookie's office. Then a mousy squeak. The a throaty moan.
"Cookie," I said, wiggling my fingers at Belvedere to get him acquainted to with our strange ways, "are you masturbating?"
"No, I got a paper cut."
Oh, I didn't see that coming.”
Source: Seventh Grave and No Body
“The rush of adrenaline helped. Not a lot. I still needed a caffeine fix, but at least I was awake enough to realize I quite possibly had my underwear on inside out. Something didn’t feel right down yonder.”
Source: Fifth Grave Past the Light