Quotessence
Home / Quotes / Quote by Christopher Titus

Quote by Christopher Titus

“Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a kid with only love and support, I guarantee that kid will be in rehab by the time he is 16. Why? Because you never introduced him to Mr. Back-of-Your-Hand. You know why I only broke into a liquor store once? 'Cause my father introduced me to Mr. Back-of-His-Hand and its wiley sidekick, Mr. Foot-in-My-Ass.”

Quote by Christopher Titus

Create image

Author

Christopher Titus
Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus is an American comedian known for his unique humor style and autobiographical comedy. Born on October 1, 1964, he has had a career in comedy for over 30 years. Titus' work often involves personal experiences, including his family background, marriage, and professional challenges. more

You May Also Like

“Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do no wrong brother of yours is going to show up at your house, bald, fat, divorced, with six kids who all hate him and he's going to ask you for money. And because of your character, you're going to look him right in the eyes and you're going to say, You know what, I'll give you some money. If you mow my lawn and detail my car. Oh yeah, then you can shampoo the tail. Loser.”

IfsKnowsGivingYearsLooksCharacterShowsEyeKidsFormHateAsksHouseCan DoPerfectWorryCarBrotherSixLosingTwentiesYeahDetailsFatsOur FamilyLoserTailsDivorcedLawnsHate HimShampoo
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.”

YearsHardKidsJobsSleepCompanyWifeWorstCarDaughterHeyTeenagerThirtyPregnantTeenageHammersTanksGardenerThirty YearsGreat JobSold OutBeing A TeenagerProstateZitsTeenage Daughter
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile moustache, 'cos they were hyptonised by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead.”

YearsLittlesGirlFireWorstHairPressureSevenFinalsLipsTinyTeenagerThirtyEnginesPeersForeheadsThirty YearsExamPeer PressureInfantileMoustacheAcneBeing A TeenagerZitsFinal Exams
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, I don't want to cut the lawn. Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.”

WantFirstsDreamRememberCoursesNextLeaderTeacherCuttingDadLipsGrassShelterDictatorShut UpNext TimeFascistsLawnsYour Dad
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ? If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.”

PeopleIfsYearsHumansMadeNightDiesHouseLostParentHoursBoysForeverWifeNormalYears AgoShoesBunchHeyScareCookiesLive ForeverShowing UpScrewed UpErin
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.”

PeopleLooksI CanMatterGuyDiesParentWaterAbilityWalksFireBirthNormalHotNo Matter WhatChecksMumCigaretteScrewed UpHot Water
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image