“People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.” Quote by Anthony Jeselnik
“My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.” UsedSexNeighborComplainingLoudGirlfriendMy Girlfriend Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.” GuyNiceBlowReally NiceNice Guy Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.” YearsHandsColdSixWeaponsCuriousAssaultSix Year OldsAssault Weapons Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.” EndsNightDatingVictimBlindDisasterBlind Date Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.” LittlesGuyCatGlassesAntsMagnifyingMagnifying Glass Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.” MotherBabyGet Away Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.” YearsLittlesHardWholeHomeNextDoorsKeysDadBedLosingMy DadNoiseHard TimesBowlsHookWhole FamilyHaving A Hard Time Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.” ThinkingImpossibleMurderSuicideGrandparent Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.” YearsKidsMotherThreeWhiteClassFiveNiceChildhoodMiddleBrotherDadAreasSevenMy DadActiveMy BrotherMiddle ClassExhaustedSeven YearsAttorneyHousewifeHappy ChildhoodIdyllicUpper Middle ClassThree Sisters Author:Anthony Jeselnik