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Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

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Kerry Patterson

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“If the other refuses to respect your No, you may see only two choices: submission and outright war. Yet there is a third choice, highlighted by Gandhi: to underscore your Positive No. Don’t overreact, underscore. To underscore means to emphasize patiently and persistently that No in fact means No. It means continuing to stand up for what is important to you without destroying the possibility of a deal or a healthy relationship.”

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Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes
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“By refusing to respect you and your needs, the other is bringing about a certain set of natural consequences, which themselves can become the other’s teacher. Your job is to simply facilitate the learning process, beginning by asking reality-testing questions, and proceeding to warnings.”

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Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes
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“Character No Commodity (The Sonnet) Character, I say, is no commodity, To be traded in for luxury. Integrity, I say, is no commodity, To be traded in for security, Virtues, I say, are no commodity, To be traded in for applause. Values, I say, are no commodity, To be traded in for comfort. Warmth, I say, is no commodity, To be traded in for image. Humility, I say, is no commodity, To be traded in for respect. A life without honor, I say, Is a life totally gone astray.”

PrinciplesHonorIntegrityRespectCompromiseApplauseCharacter BuildingVirtuesAttention SeekingInspiring Poem
Book:Mücadele Muhabbet: Gospel of An Unarmed Soldier
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“We should show respect for other people even before they have done anything to deserve it, simply because they are human beings. Respect reminds people of their innate and extraordinary value even if they have forgotten it themselves. At the same time, we should always expect to have to earn the respect of others. I have often heard people speak of their encounters with great leaders such as Mother Teresa and Gandhi, and almost to a person they say the same thing, “I felt that for those moments there was nothing else in the world but the two of us and our conversation. People were trying to pull at us, and there was a schedule to be keep, but she gazed into my eyes as if she didn’t have a care in the world, as if nothing other than me existed.” Who doesn’t like to be treated in that way? How do such people do it? The outer action of respect is born from the inner quality of reverence, and that reverence is the fruit of reflection, which helps us to see people and things in their true value.”

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Book:The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved
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