“If chocolate is a foretaste of heaven, what does it mean that chocolate is freely available to all?” Quote by David W Augsburger
“Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.” FirstsProblemPaperSolutionsTowelsPaper Towels Author:Demetri Martin
“Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.” PlusCampingWaterfalls Author:Demetri Martin
“I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.” PeopleKnowsTryingEnoughHelpingWould BeRunningGuyMinutesCryGymPacksGood WorkWorkoutListening To MusicThat GuyYellingTreadmillsGood WorkoutPacks Of Wolves Author:Demetri Martin
“It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.” KnowsMenTwoHardFightingGayBoxingBelts Author:Demetri Martin
“When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.” TryingWaterGunPlant Author:Demetri Martin
“I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.” ThinkingHairEasierDistanceHair Gel Author:Demetri Martin
“Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.” IfsLongHas BeensSaidLong TimeOriginalsTimingLong Time AgoClicheTiming Is Everything Author:Demetri Martin
“I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.” PeopleWantMetsAggressivePassiveTacosPassive Aggressive Author:Demetri Martin
“I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.” DifferentSummerDifferent ThingsPoolLocation Author:Demetri Martin