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Quote by Marcia A. Zug

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You'll Do: A History of Marrying for Reasons Other Than Love

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Marcia A. Zug

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“Even while your are triggered, you can take a moment, or twenty, and access your Wise Adult self, the part of you that can stop, think, observe, and choose. Disharmony is to your relationship as pain to your physical body. It's a signal that something is wrong, that someone needs to get their hand off the stove. Our prefrontal cortex can process that signal and choose what to do about it. On the other hand, you and me consciousness knows just what to do in times of disharmony: (1) wrap yourself in rightness, (2) attempt to control your partner, (3) give vent to every emotion and infraction, (4) retaliate, (5) shut down - or some combination of all five of these losing strategies.”

LoveRelationshipsMarriagePsychologyCouple Therapy
Book:Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
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“First, repair is not a two-way street. Almost everyone gets this wrong. When you are faced with an upset partner, this is not your turn. This is not a dialogue. Liz doesn't air all her grievances as an invitation for Phil to then air his. You must take turns. Repair goes in one direction. When your partner is in a state of disrepair, your only job is to help them get back into harmony with you, to deal with their upset, and to support them in reconnecting.”

LoveRelationshipsMarriagePsychologyCouple Therapy
Book:Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
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“When you're dissatisfied with an aspect of your relationship, it is critical that you say something rather than sweep it aside. But there's a difference between speaking the way most of us do in this culture and speaking in a manner that might actually get you heard. You can start by pulling your accusatory finger away from your partner's face. ... Stay on your side of the street. Don't accuse them - talk about yourself. Not "Liz, you're avoidant," but rather, "Liz, I don't feel met.”

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Book:Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
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“Once you've given your feedback, you're finished. Let go. Detach from outcome, as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous. On Tuesday your partner answers with generosity and accountability. On Thursday he tells you he's in no mood for your bullshit. Tuesday is a good day for you, for your partner, and for your relationship. Thursday is a terrible day for your partner, a mixed day for the relationship, and still a great day for you. You did a fine job of speaking. That's all you're in charge of. Don't focus on results. Instead, focus on how well you handle yourself. Focus on your own relational performance.”

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Book:Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
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