Quotessence
Home / Quotes / Quote by Terrence Real

Quote by Terrence Real

“Once you've given your feedback, you're finished. Let go. Detach from outcome, as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous. On Tuesday your partner answers with generosity and accountability. On Thursday he tells you he's in no mood for your bullshit. Tuesday is a good day for you, for your partner, and for your relationship. Thursday is a terrible day for your partner, a mixed day for the relationship, and still a great day for you. You did a fine job of speaking. That's all you're in charge of. Don't focus on results. Instead, focus on how well you handle yourself. Focus on your own relational performance.”

Quote by Terrence Real

Book:Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
Create image

Work

Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

Browse quotes and source details for this work. more

Author

Terrence Real

Browse famous quotes and profile details for Terrence Real. more

You May Also Like

“Okay, so let's say you're the one hearing feedback from your partner - now what? Yield. Don't get defensive, or go tit for tat, or any of that Adaptive Child behavior. You, the listener, also need to be centered. You too need to remember love. What can you give this person to help them feel better? You can begin by offering the gift of your presence. Listen. And let them know they've been heard. Reflect back what you heard. If you're at a loss, just repeat your partner's feedback wheel. ... If you are the speaker, and the listening partner has left out important things or gotten something seriously wrong, help them out. Gently correct them, and then have them reflect again. But don't be overly fussy. Serviceable is good enough. Now that you've listened, you need to respond. How? Empathically and accountably. Own whatever you can, with no buts, excuses, or reasons. "Yes, I did that" - plain and simple. Land on it, really take it on. The more accountable you are, the more your partner might relax. If you realize what you've done, if you really get it, you'll be less likely to keep repeating that behavior. And conversely, not acknowledging what you did - by changing the subject, or denying, or minimizing - will leave your partner feeling more desperate. ... If you are the speaker, it pays to keep it specific. The feedback wheel is about this one incident, period. Most people go awry when they escalate their complaints, moving from the specific occurrence to a trend, then to their partner's character. For example: "Terry, you came late." (Occurence.) "You always come late." (Trend.) "You're never on time." (Trend.) "You really are selfish!" (Character.) When the speaker jumps from a particular event to a trend (you always, you never) to the partner's character (you are a ...), they render their partner ever more helpless, and each intensification feels dirtier. ... Once you've reflectively listened and acknowledged whatever you can about the truth of your partner's complaint, give. Give to your partner whatever parts of their request (the fourth step in the feedback wheel: what I'd like now) as you possibly can. ... And finally, for you both, let the repair happen. Don't discount your partner's efforts. Don't disqualify what's being offered with a response like "I don't believe you" or "This is too little too late." Dare to take yes for an answer. ... Let them win; let it be good enough. Com into knowing love.”

LoveRelationshipsMarriageAdviceCouples
Book:Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
Create image

“Focusing on your own relational practice optimizes our chances of making the relationship work, which is not the same as saying we always get what we want. Digest each other's imperfections, and grieve the things you wanted in your relationship that this partnership will not afford. Embrace what you do have, and allow it to be enough, to be an occasion for joy. These are the grown-up skills of intimacy: skills potent enough not only to transform your relationship but ultimately to heal and remake yourself.”

LoveRelationshipsMarriageCouples
Book:Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
Create image

“You have everything you want! You cleave to your principles, and you are a man with the advantage of station! This - this interaction with me - it doesn't degrade you. In the eyes of the world, it makes you a rake, but it makes me a whore.' He flinches, and she says it again, louder. 'Yes, a whore! And what of my principles? What of the way I'm looked at, sneered at even by your charwoman? Your mere mistress - and if you discarded me I'd have nothing.”

MarriageInequalityWomens Rights
Book:The Doll Factory
Create image

“You made a deal, Tempest.” It was Vidrol’s silky voice that spoke, edged in dark warning. “I agreed to be your wife.” I swallowed around the words, hating the way they burned angrily through my mouth. “I never promised to only marry you.” “You can’t—" "Of course I can,” I snapped back. “How many women are in your harem? A hundred? More? There are no laws against taking five husbands in Fyrio.”

MarriageWifeDouble StandardsHusbandsTrickHarem5
Book:A City of Whispers
Create image