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Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

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Douglas Stone

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“Negative emotions are not the real villain; rather, it is when the person chooses avoidance and isolation to cope with the negative emotions that bigger problems are likely to arise. Essentially, the person is taking a step back from the world around them, including both the stressful things (difficulty with paying bills after job loss) and potentially healthy things (support from family members after losing a loved one) in their life. The more someone pulls away, the worse they feel; and, the worse they feel, the more they want to pull away. This is when avoidance takes over. In fact, over time the avoidance and negative emotions eventually become so severe that although the initial event or reason for the initial avoidance may have become a little unclear (perhaps you’ve gotten over the breakup with your boyfriend), the cycle of negative emotions and avoidance continues, each reinforcing the other (so you don’t start dating again, you avoid friends with or without significant relationships, and you don’t bother going downtown any more, all leading to increased depression and loneliness).”

EmotionsAvoidanceSalt In The WoundMaking It Worse
Book:Overcoming Avoidance Workbook: Break the Cycle of Isolation and Avoidant Behaviors to Reclaim Your Life from Anxiety, Depression, or PTSD
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“You say to yourself, I can’t back out of this. I will just HAVE to do it. No matter how awful I feel, I’m gonna get through this. This is going to be terrible. Unfortunately, most of the time, this is a formula for ensuring that anticipatory anxiety wins the battle. One of two things will happen. Either, as you get closer to the actual event, your anxiety skyrockets, and you decide to cancel anyway. Or, you do go, but your experience leading up to the event is such an ordeal that, no matter how it goes or how you do, the misery of anticipation becomes vividly embedded in your memory. And your experience of anticipatory anxiety usurps the memory of the actual event, so you feel no better the next time.”

AnxietyEmotionsAnxiousDealing With Emotions
Book:Overcoming Anticipatory Anxiety: A CBT Guide for Moving past Chronic Indecisiveness, Avoidance, and Catastrophic Thinking
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