Quotessence
Home / Authors / Douglas Stone Biography

Douglas Stone Biography

Author

Related Quotes

“If someone tells you that you should have gotten over something or someone by now, don’t believe it. Believing there’s some appropriate time frame for getting over something is just one more way to keep yourself stuck. But neither should you believe that there’s nothing you can do to enable yourself to let go, or that it just takes time.”

FeelingsGrowingGrievingToxic Positivity
Book:Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Create image

“The biggest factor that contributes to a vulnerable identity is “all-or-nothing” thinking: I’m either competent or incompetent, good or evil, worthy of love or not. The primary peril of all-or-nothing thinking is that it leaves our identity extremely unstable, making us hypersensitive to feedback. When faced with negative information about ourselves, all-or-nothing thinking gives us only two choices for how to manage that information, both of which cause serious problems When faced with negative information about ourselves, all-or-nothing thinking gives us only two choices for how to manage that information, both of which cause serious problems.”

ThinkingEmotionsAll Or Nothing
Book:Difficult Conversations 10th (tenth) edition Text Only
Create image

“And when you do ask, not everyone will come through for you, and that will be painful. But many people will. And by trusting them enough to ask, you offer them an extraordinary opportunity to do something important for someone they care about. Then one day, you may have the opportunity to return the favor.”

HelpingEmotionsCaring For OthersReaction
Book:Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Create image

“An employee wanders into work late, something you’ve been meaning to talk to them about, so you say, “Late again, eh?” and leave it at that. Or you visit your son for the weekend, notice the empty beer bottles in the garbage, and say, “I see you’re still drinking up a storm.” These comments are intended to help. You hope your employee or your son will take the message to heart. But while your comments may help you feel a bit better (“At least I’ve said something”), they make the other person defensive and frustrated, which is unlikely to produce the kind of change you had in mind. A good rule to follow is: If you’re going to talk, talk. Really talk.”

Caring For OthersConversationsExpressing EmotionsDifficult ConversationsExpressing Thoughts
Book:Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Create image

“Because in the great majority of cases, the reason the other person is not listening to you is not because they are stubborn, but because they don’t feel heard. In other words, they aren’t listening to you for the same reason you aren’t listening to them: they think you are slow or stubborn. So they repeat themselves, find new ways to say things, talk more loudly, and so forth.”

Understanding OthersArgumentsConversationsExpressing YourselfDifficult Conversations
Book:Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Create image

“Saying “I’d like you to pay more attention to me” is more likely to produce a conversation (and a satisfying outcome) than “Is it impossible for you to focus on me just once?” Because instead of hearing the underlying feeling or request, the other person focuses on the sarcasm and the attack. Instead of hearing that you feel lonely, they hear that you think they are thoughtless. The real message doesn’t get through, because they are distracted by the need to defend themselves.”

ArgumentsExpressing YourselfDifficult Conversations
Book:Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Create image