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The Artist, The Audience, and a Man Called Nothing

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F.K. Preston

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“There are no humans left. I should not be alone. I can’t help but wonder that. There were so many of us living. But time started growing young four years ago. It isn’t four years anymore. It’s a number I wouldn’t even be able to say. It feels like four years. It’s trapped in my tender memory as four years. It’s been an age. Multiple ages. It’s been lifetimes; every single lifetime that used to exist. I remember my mother screaming. I recall the doctors naming me as nurses wiped away her blood and covered her face with white. The end of the play. It’s been so long. Why am I alone?”

“I recall my life every day. I recall my sins and my acts of purity. I remind myself I was never a religious man. I remind myself that I have been dead for half of forever. I remind myself of nothing. I move along to the next minute. Next day. Next year. The earth doesn’t change so much anymore. It doesn’t change so quickly. With humans, the earth had to keep changing. But you can only replace a dying thing so many times before someone notices. There haven’t been humans for years. Maybe a decade. Maybe more. I find myself loving their absence. The absence of humanity is the absence of violence. I love this peace. But then I remember my bones. My mind and my memories. I remember I’m human. I am the thing I detest. The creature that haunts my steps. It’s my shadow I see watching me. It’s my reflection in the water. I keep remembering. I live in fear. But still, I walk on.”

“Look, girls know when they’re cute,” he said. “You don’t have to tell them. All they need to do is look in the mirror. I have one friend out in New York, an attorney. She moved out there after the school year to take the bar. She doesn’t have a job. I was like, ‘How are you going to get a job there in this market?’ And she’s like, ‘I’ll wink and I’ll smile.’ She’s a pretty girl. Whether that works despite her poor grades is yet to be seen.”

“Four years ago the clocks started turning back. I open my eyes and see nothing. I feel nothing below or above me. I feel the absence of things. The absence of my flesh, my bones, my body, my mind. All that is left is awareness. I see nothing but the absence of colour. It’s not a black darkness. It’s simply nothing. The interior of a black hole. I recall news of a black hole lingering along the edges of our solar system. All that time ago. Four years ago. When the clocks started turning back. I hear nothing. Until there is a something. A small thing. A voice. I listen. There are more voices. The sounds are human. How long has it been since I’ve heard a human? The sounds scratch along my now present attention. They carve into my hearing. They are horrid, wretched things. Voices screaming. Growing loud and desperate. How many voices? Billions. This is the birth of our species. We are born screaming. It’s all we know to do. We have screamed for eternity. Within this empty space.”

“I begin my life. I live again. I meet a young girl called Valeria. She smiles easily. She laughs tender sounds that pull at my heart. I’m too young to be profound but she makes me feel so safe. So cherished. I am thirty years old. I bump into a woman I knew when she was a girl. Valeria looks annoyed to see me. She lives in the future. Where the world is turning. I live within the past. Where the people are trapped and screaming and alone. I live within the past when Valeria and I were in love. She’s waiting for the cab to come, her foot tapping against the sidewalk. Her eyes glancing at her watch every few minutes. I’m eager to reunite our lives through some kind of friendship. I’m so eager to know her again, as she was when she was a child. But Valeria lives within the future. I live within the past. Have the two ever gotten along? Have they ever even met?”

“But I can’t control my dreams. I can’t even remember them. For all I know I’m having the time of my life when I sleep, but I just can’t remember. So I’m forced to live in a life I have no control over. A life where I’m either numb to everything or terrified of every thought that crosses my mind. If this is all just a dream, then it sure is a disappointing one. But I still have time to try and control my dreams. I have time to try and make my dreams a reality in this waking life as well. The one bloody thing I have is time. I’ve got to remember that. I still have time. And despite everything, there is something reassuring about that.”

“- Ime i prezime? - zapitala je gospođa knjižničarka pogleda uprtog u članske iskaznice. - Ja sam... - prošaptalo je makovo zrno. - Ja sam... Tomičin tata. - Tomičin tata! Tata budućeg pisca! - uskliknula je gospođa knjižničarka i podigla pogled. Joj, da! Gospođa knjižničarka podigla je pogled i sledila se. - Oh, čovječe! - rekla je i zaprepašteno prinijela ruku ustima. Ispred nje stajao je čovjek koji dugo, dugo, dugo nije čitao. Dvadeset godina, možda i više! To se sasvim lijepo moglo vidjeti. Pretjerano ozbiljno lice, bore između obrva, usnice izvijene prema dolje... Da, i taj pogled, bez zvijezda, taman i hladan kao polarna noć... - Oh, čovječe, kako se osjećate? - pitala je zabrinuto gospođa knjižničarka. - Loše - rekao je tata i uzdahnuo. - Da, da - kimnula je knjižničarka sućutno i poput liječnika postavila dijagnozu: - Imaginatio destructiva progressiva. - Što? - zgranuo se tata. - Bolestan sam!? Tata nije razumio latinski, ali je slutio da je u pitanju bolest. Na posljetku, latinski je mrtav jezik. - Poremećaj mašte zbog nedostatka vitamina - tužno je zaključila gospođa knjižničarka. - No možda nije tako strašno! - tješila je knjižničarka tatu. Treba obaviti i dodatne pretrage. Hajde, zaklopite oči i zamislite... zamislite... zmaja!”