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Penelope Elowen

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“I am reminded of the apocryphal conversation between Confucius and Lao Tzu when the former had been prating of universal love without the element of self: 'What stuff!' cried Lao Tzu, 'Does not universal love contradict itself? Is not your elimination of self a positive manifestation of self? Sir, if you would cause the world not to lose its source of nourishment— There is the universe: its regularity is unceasing. There are the Sun and Moon: their brightness is unceasing. There are the stars: their groupings never change. There are the birds and the beasts: they flock together without varying. There are trees and shrubs: they grow upwards without exception. Like these, accord with the Dao— with the way of all things— and be perfect. Why then these vain struggles after charity and duty to one's neighbor as though beating a drum in search of a fugitive? Alas, Sir you have brought much confusion into the mind of man.”

“I couldn’t trust my own emotions. Which emotional reactions were justified, if any? And which ones were tainted by the mental illness of BPD? I found myself fiercely guarding and limiting my emotional reactions, chastising myself for possible distortions and motivations. People who had known me years ago would barely recognize me now. I had become quiet and withdrawn in social settings, no longer the life of the party. After all, how could I know if my boisterous humor were spontaneous or just a borderline desire to be the center of attention? I could no longer trust any of my heart felt beliefs and opinions on politics, religion, or life. The debate queen had withered. I found myself looking at every single side of an issue unable to come to any conclusions for fear they might be tainted. My lifelong ability to be assertive had turned into a constant state of passivity.”