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“Many of the stories we take to be true or fixed about ourselves can change dramatically when we have conversations with people who make our world larger, not smaller. By doing our part to develop rather than diminish our voice, we can: - Create a more accurate and complex picture of ourselves and another person. - Speak with honor and personal integrity even when the other person behaves badly. - Strengthen our capacity for creativity, wisdom, joy, and zest. - Increase our capacity to give and receive love. In sum, how we use our voice is a the heart of who we are in the world and the foundation of both intimacy and self-regard.”

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Author:Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.
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“Having and authentic voice means that: - We can openly share competence as well as problems and vulnerability. - We can warm things up and calm them down. - We can listen and ask questions that allow us to truly know the other person and to gather information about anything that may affect us. - We can say what we think and feel, state differences, and allow the other person to do the same. - We can define our values, convictions, principles, and priorities, and do our best to act in accordance with them. - We can define what we feel entitled to in a relationship, and we can clarify the limits of what we will tolerate or accept in another’s behavior. - We can leave (meaning that we can financially and emotionally support ourselves), if necessary.”

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Book:The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate
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“That said, what we can learn in the chapters ahead is enormous. We can maximize the chance of being heard and moving relationships forward. We can take a conversation to the next level when the initial foray doesn’t bring the desired result. We can stop nonproductive conversational habits so that an old relationship will take a new turn. We can clarify what we feel entitled to and responsible for—and what we really want to say. Or, alternatively, we can learn to sit more comfortable with our confusion. We can operate from a solid position of self, even when the other person won’t speak to us at all.”

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Author:Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.
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“Our need for language, conversation, and definition goes beyond the wish to put things right. Through words we come to know the other person--and to be known. This knowing is at the heart of our deepest longings for intimacy and connection with others. How relationships unfold with the most important people in our lives depends on courage and clarity in finding voice. This is equally true for our relationship with our self. Even when we are not being heard, we may still need to know the sound of our own voice saying out loud what we really think.”

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Author:Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.
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