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Jessi Klein

Jessi Klein Quotes

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Famous Jessi Klein Quotes

“Oh well, at least I'll get a 90 minute break until the next feed. That's when my lactation consultant delivered the real tit-punch. The every-90-minute stopwatch does not start from the end of one feeding. It starts from: the beginning. I've never been great at math but if you're supposed to feed a baby every 90 minutes from the moment they start eating, and the feeding takes 90 minutes, then you are feeding a baby every minute of every hour of every 24 hour day. If I could've fainted when I heard this news I would have, but since I was already dead, I couldn't. I was in a very real sense being eaten alive.”

BabyParentingNursingNewbornBreastfeeding
Book:I'll Show Myself Out: Essays on Midlife and Motherhood
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“Imagine that every time you want to leave the house you have to get into a bar fight with someone. A sloppy, exhausted, poorly choreographed display of slapping and kicking. You are in a bar fight because they don't want to be strapped, Hannibal Lecter style, into the back of your car. Fair. Even thought you are technically big enough to always win the fight, you still have to buckle a small but shockingly heavy person at a 45 degree angle - possibly in the burning sun or freezing cold or driving rain - into a chair. All the while vaguely recalling the warning that if the buckles are not in the exact right place then the whole point of putting them in the seat is moot and you've ruined everything. If the straps are not tight enough, or if they are too tight, you might as well just throw your kid on the roof of the car untethered to anything and drive off at a million miles per hour because it's all basically the same effect.”

CarSafetyParentingMotherhoodDrivingChildSeatCarseat
Book:I'll Show Myself Out: Essays on Midlife and Motherhood
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“...at this moment in time my son was just a little over two and we were in the midst of the most animal-like fights over eating, sleeping, and in general: how to be a person. He wanted to be more like a raccoon and I wanted him to be more like a human. And in trying to cajole and beg him to do that I turned into a raccoon myself. A large, female one who didn't sleep or eat enough, and was cranky all the time because of it. So essentially in trying to teach him how to be more like me, I became him.”

TeachingParentingToddlerRaccoonTwos
Book:I'll Show Myself Out: Essays on Midlife and Motherhood
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