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Jessi Klein

Jessi Klein Quotes

Stand-up comic

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Famous Jessi Klein Quotes

“Oh well, at least I'll get a 90 minute break until the next feed. That's when my lactation consultant delivered the real tit-punch. The every-90-minute stopwatch does not start from the end of one feeding. It starts from: the beginning. I've never been great at math but if you're supposed to feed a baby every 90 minutes from the moment they start eating, and the feeding takes 90 minutes, then you are feeding a baby every minute of every hour of every 24 hour day. If I could've fainted when I heard this news I would have, but since I was already dead, I couldn't. I was in a very real sense being eaten alive.”

BabyParentingNursingNewbornBreastfeeding
Book:I'll Show Myself Out: Essays on Midlife and Motherhood
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“Imagine that every time you want to leave the house you have to get into a bar fight with someone. A sloppy, exhausted, poorly choreographed display of slapping and kicking. You are in a bar fight because they don't want to be strapped, Hannibal Lecter style, into the back of your car. Fair. Even thought you are technically big enough to always win the fight, you still have to buckle a small but shockingly heavy person at a 45 degree angle - possibly in the burning sun or freezing cold or driving rain - into a chair. All the while vaguely recalling the warning that if the buckles are not in the exact right place then the whole point of putting them in the seat is moot and you've ruined everything. If the straps are not tight enough, or if they are too tight, you might as well just throw your kid on the roof of the car untethered to anything and drive off at a million miles per hour because it's all basically the same effect.”

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Book:I'll Show Myself Out: Essays on Midlife and Motherhood
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“...at this moment in time my son was just a little over two and we were in the midst of the most animal-like fights over eating, sleeping, and in general: how to be a person. He wanted to be more like a raccoon and I wanted him to be more like a human. And in trying to cajole and beg him to do that I turned into a raccoon myself. A large, female one who didn't sleep or eat enough, and was cranky all the time because of it. So essentially in trying to teach him how to be more like me, I became him.”

TeachingParentingToddlerRaccoonTwos
Book:I'll Show Myself Out: Essays on Midlife and Motherhood
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“What gets in the way of living with vitality," Tejpal asked. Everything, I thought to myself. "Wounds," Tejpal said. She talked about the importance of forgiveness, and how the most important step in forgiveness is to allow yourself to feel the pain of the hurt you received. Only then would the pain begin to heal. Suddenly, Dracula leaned forward and spoke up. Even though this wasn't really a situation where you were supposed to speak without being called on. "That's not true," she blurted out angrily, her Long Island accent pulling all her vowels downward. "There are some things people do that hurt you forever and that cause scars that will never heal. Just 'cause you think about them doesn't mean they're going away." All the women in the room turned around to stare at this angry person. This was supposed to be a touchy-feely, self-discovery happy place where Tejpal was in charge. You are not supposed to attack Tejpal. I sensed that people thought she was crazy and normally I would find her as annoying for not getting it as everyone else was, but instead I felt a wave of deep compassion. It was the first time during my visit to Miraval that I felt attuned to how deeply, painfully exposed people can allow themselves to be when there's even a sliver of permission to be honest.”

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Book:You'll Grow Out of It
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