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Quote by Christopher Titus

“I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.”

Quote by Christopher Titus

Author

Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus is an American comedian known for his unique humor style and autobiographical comedy. Born on October 1, 1964, he has had a career in comedy for over 30 years. Titus' work often involves personal experiences, including his family background, marriage, and professional challenges. more

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“I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized.”

Feels Sides Middle Extremes Nuts Both Sides

Author:Christopher Titus

“This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you're in this room right now and you're successful... you didn't get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you're a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence... Or, your parents gave you the money.”

Ifs Way Said Country Lost Parent Rooms Successful Too Much Right Now Sitting Built Decided Shame Strive Sentences Ass Loser Hug Humiliation One Love Choke Trophies Lost You

Author:Christopher Titus

“Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.”

Men Guy Support He Man Jokes Died Ice Hey Damn Meat Diets Vegetables Drs Damn Good Toyota

Author:Christopher Titus

“They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.”

Ifs Knows Made States Guy University Naked Torture Eggs Jumping Underwear Fraternity

Author:Christopher Titus

“Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?”

Shows Next Hours Television Fishing Television Shows Felons

Author:Christopher Titus

“The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!”

World Firsts Wells Voice Nice Dad My Dad Timing Towers New Life

Author:Christopher Titus

“I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.”

Enough Three Causes Ready Six Daughter Cameras Yeah Albums Nine My Daughter Hospitals Seconds Fifteen Dumbasses

Author:Christopher Titus

“Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?”

Looks School Dies Careers High School

Author:Christopher Titus

“How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.”

Helping Church Plans Respect Crucifixion

Author:Christopher Titus

“My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.”

Firsts Enough Guy Car Dad Paper Mad My Dad Rage Road Rage

Author:Christopher Titus