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The Kindness Habit: Transforming our Relationship to Addictive Behaviours

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Christopher Dines

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“Isms’ are described as transference of addictive patterns of dysfunctional behaviour, passed down from generation to generation. For instance, if a mother was an alcoholic who never made it into recovery, her behaviour would leave a mark on her children, husband, etc. Unless her adult children join some sort of recovery programme and adopt the mindfulness practice, they will have very similar behaviour traits to their mother but minus the alcohol abuse. There is a strong possibility that they will become codependent and form relationships with other codependents or alcoholics.”

AddictionAlcoholismAddiction And RecoveryCodependencyAddictive BehaviourAddictivenessFamily DysfunctionGenerational Pain
Book:The Kindness Habit: Transforming our Relationship to Addictive Behaviours
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“I don’t think I’ve ever met an addict in long-term recovery who hasn’t gone through at least one traumatic childhood experience. Research indicates that one traumatic event in childhood is as grave as continuous combat in a war zone. A traumatic event during childhood can leave a grave imprint on the human body.”

AddictionAddiction And RecoveryAddictive BehaviourAddictiveness
Book:The Kindness Habit: Transforming our Relationship to Addictive Behaviours
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“No one can control their results. We can, however, control our attitude. When we practise compassion, it is most effective when it is unconditional and free from seeking an outcome – compassion is a matter of choice rather than a self-seeking action. And so, if we assist another human being from a place of presence and compassion, we are not looking to find our happiness off the back of others’ suffering. Nor are we trying to control them. Compassion is a conscious choice rather than an emotional knee-jerk reaction.”

CompassionMindfulnessAddictionPresenceAddiction And RecoveryAddictive BehaviourAddictivenessNon Attachment
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“It was only when I started to reconnect with my inner child four years into recovery (I was over four years clean and sober off drugs and alcohol) and started to attend a love addiction support group that I was able to trust again and have faith that there are just as many honest and trustworthy women as there are women who are not interested in monogamy. However, it was after ten years of continuous recovery that I started to really dig deep into my childhood grief work and was finally able to reclaim my inner child. I started to take risks again. On a practical level, you can’t get very far in this world if you resent and distrust the opposite sex and, sadly, many men and women suffer in this area. Rather than celebrating the opposite sex, they fear them. Empathy and self-compassion has helped me in this area too.”

AddictionAddiction And RecoveryInner ChildAddictive BehaviourAddictivenessGrief Work
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“Let’s remind ourselves that to be compassionate and forgiving doesn’t mean we are endorsing dysfunctional behaviour. On the contrary, it’s essential the harm that was inflicted upon us is properly validated and grieved. Forgiveness isn’t an intellectual concept or an airy-fairy idea. It’s a painstaking process. To be compassionate and to forgive mean we are gradually letting go of poisonous, toxic feelings that are trapped in our minds and bodies.”

ForgivenessAddictionAddiction And RecoveryForgiveness And Letting GoAddictive BehaviourAddictiveness
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“The process of recovering from addictiveness happens at a deeper level of consciousness and through feeling our pain without using old addictive fixes. There is no escaping that getting in touch with our original pain is the touchstone to mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.”

GriefConsciousnessAddictionGrief And LossAddiction And RecoveryAddictivenessFamily Of OriginGrief WorkOriginal Pain WorkThe Kindness Habit
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“Tragically, because many addicts are not given sufficient love, nurturing and non-shaming dialogue at crucial stages in their early emotional development, they are on a quest to find contentment from a source outside of themselves. Their parents might have provided bountifully for them; however, their parents were never fully emotionally present while parenting, which made their children feel starved of emotional nourishment.”

AddictionAddiction And RecoveryAddictive BehaviourAddictiveness
Book:The Kindness Habit: Transforming our Relationship to Addictive Behaviours
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“Some addicts do not even have basic parenting and instead are beaten, sexually abused, left to be looked after by a dysfunctional ‘carer’, put in orphan homes or rejected by their community. If you calculate the millions of emotionally neglected children and observe them growing up together trying to ‘get by in life’, you will understand why many adults (adult children) have addictive personalities.”

AddictionAddiction And RecoveryAddictive BehaviourAddictiveness
Book:The Kindness Habit: Transforming our Relationship to Addictive Behaviours
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“Regardless of the different stages in our human development, unless we learn how to create loving and fulfilling relationships (with ourselves and others), addiction will follow – not necessarily as a manifestation of substance misuse but in the form of codependence, compulsive thinking, unhealthy relationships, sex and love addictions, overeating, insidious incarnations of self-harm and so on.”

AddictionAddiction And RecoveryAddictive BehaviourAddictiveness
Book:The Kindness Habit: Transforming our Relationship to Addictive Behaviours
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