Home / Quotes / Quote by Anthony Jeselnik

Quote by Anthony Jeselnik

“I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.”

Quote by Anthony Jeselnik

Author

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik, born on December 22, 1978, is an American comedian known for his sharp wit and unique performance style. He has gained recognition for his appearances in comedy clubs and television shows. more

You May Also Like

“About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?”

Knows Said Care Kids Dies Week Months Winner Neighborhood Abandoned Who Cares Refrigerators

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.”

People Fun Easy Retarded

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.”

Used Sex Neighbor Complaining Loud Girlfriend My Girlfriend

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.”

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.”

Guy Nice Blow Really Nice Nice Guy

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.”

Years Hands Cold Six Weapons Curious Assault Six Year Olds Assault Weapons

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.”

Ends Night Dating Victim Blind Disaster Blind Date

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.”

Littles Guy Cat Glasses Ants Magnifying Magnifying Glass

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.”

Mother Baby Get Away

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.”

Years Littles Hard Whole Home Next Doors Keys Dad Bed Losing My Dad Noise Hard Times Bowls Hook Whole Family Having A Hard Time

Author:Anthony Jeselnik