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Quote by Christopher Titus

“In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.”

Quote by Christopher Titus

Author

Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus is an American comedian known for his unique humor style and autobiographical comedy. Born on October 1, 1964, he has had a career in comedy for over 30 years. Titus' work often involves personal experiences, including his family background, marriage, and professional challenges. more

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“In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.”

Mean Ideas Father Party Nice Car Normal My Family Surprise Nine No Idea Cake Fathers Day Surprise Me Normal Family

Author:Christopher Titus

“My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.”

Play Used Night Father Games Parent Rocks Son Dad Paper Blame My Dad Ugly Beer Nuts Mum Divorced Pins Father Son Casinos

Author:Christopher Titus

“Humans are born, small, weak and helpless. That's why we have family. And the elders of the family are the honoured guardians of our country's history. Unfortunately, in America, we, you know, lock those elders away out of view in nursing homes and go about our little lives. It's a great national shame and an irredeemable tragedy. Oh well.”

Knows Humans Wells Littles Country Home America Born Views Weak Tragedy Shame Our Country Locks Helpless Elders Guardian Nursing Oh Well Nursing Home

Author:Christopher Titus

“Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.”

Humans Parent Born Natural Dad Protect Weak Ass Kicks Helpless Grandma Cursed Predator Frail Your Dad

Author:Christopher Titus

“So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an ignorant, pushy people person.”

People Ifs Persons Jobs Causes Car Okay Stores Ignorant Shops What If Customs Tanks Pushy

Author:Christopher Titus

“Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.”

Needs Feels Inspiration Successful One Day Okay Ass Feel Good

Author:Christopher Titus

“Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy, you're happy. And when she's angry, you can still choose to be happy, 'cos, what's her deal ? You know, I'm happy. Why is she bringing me down, you know ? Oh great, now look, I'm getting all mad. I hope she's happy. Happy Valentine's Day.”

Knows Looks Heart Stills Two Real Strong Deals Angry Mad Celebrate Real Love Valentine Valentine's Day Happy Valentines Happy Valentines Day Choose To Be Happy Two Hearts

Author:Christopher Titus

“Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her.”

Heart Two Real Self Matter Moving Strong Parent Yeah Angry Drinking Pity Celebrate Shops Real Love Valentine Valentine's Day Tanks Self Pity Like Her Wallowing Two Hearts

Author:Christopher Titus

“A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.”

Bigs Black Praying Dad My Dad Mates Widows Black Widow Love My Dad Praying Mantis

Author:Christopher Titus

“I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, "Look at the fairy!" I was a wood nymph.”

Knows Firsts Looks I Can Play Rooms Dad Involved My Dad Woods Fairy Grades Scream Get Involved Nymphs Blowing It

Author:Christopher Titus