“I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.” YearsThreeSaltNew YearGrainAspirinGrain Of Salt Author:Milton Berle
“I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.” ThinkingMiddlemen Author:Milton Berle
“I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.” MindJokesInsultBobInsulting Author:Milton Berle
“An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.” StillsEndsWorryHeroKissingAdultsHorseWestern Author:Milton Berle
“Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.” HelpingDiesHouseDoctorsPatient Author:Milton Berle
“A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.” MenAnswersNiceStreetsCarHe ManComfortableAskingHillsLapCradleCrossingsBeverly Hills Author:Milton Berle
“I can always guarantee that the Irish Citizen Army will fight but I cannot guarantee that it will be on time” I CanFightingCitizensArmyGuaranteesGuarantees That Author:James Connolly
“When's the last time you walked by a pub in Dublin and heard Irish music? When's the last time you ordered a coffee and heard an Irish accent?” LastsHeardCoffeeAccentsLast TimePubsDublinIrish MusicIrish Accent Author:Michael Flatley
“I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins? And George will reply It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!” I CanWaitingMembersCongressHeyGatesVirginsBin LadenOsama Bin LadenContinentalPearly GatesVirginians Author:Robin Williams
“The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit.” FitTerroristChineseAccusedTibetanHackersAmish Author:Robin Williams