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Quote by Norman Chad

“Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games in same week.”

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Norman Chad

Norman Chad is a renowned columnist, born on August 17, 1958. His work is characterized by humor and insightful commentary on social, cultural, and political issues. more

“New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."”

Needs Made Home Would Be Funny Cities Comedy New York Grew Grew Up Yeah Addresses Holiday Pounds Drivers Rip Back Home Paranoid Cab Tokyo Inns Stomping Cab Drivers

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.”

Knows Funny Guy Asks Comedy Streets New York Like You Walking Demand This Guy Horns Impatience Tunnels Holland Fax

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."”

Should Funny Comedy Cutting Calling Messages Machines Freak Answering Machines

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."”

People Feels Wells Book School Funny Comedy Havens High School Guilty Hey Bookshelves

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."”

Thinking Has Beens Funny Guy Water Comedy Sitting Sells Meetings Marketing Dumb France Idiot Bottled Water

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."”

Thinking Knows Funny Animal Comedy Planets Baby Female Scientist Yeah Bills Males Stubborn Assistants Did You Know Having A Baby

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."”

Looks Funny Comedy Tough Glasses Ass Kicks Push Ups

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."”

Believe I Can Funny Used Guy Rooms Class Comedy Fronts Red Standing Balls Stranger Fats Grades Gym Gym Class

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod."”

Reason Funny Comedy Television Originals Lifetime Beaten

Author:Jim Gaffigan

Quote by Norman Chad

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