“Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.” Quote by Emo Philips
“If you think black people have a motivation problem, open up a Wal-Mart and advertise a thousand jobs. Watch 5,000 people show up.” PeopleIfsThinkingShowsProblemJobsMotivationBlackWatchesThousandBlack People Author:Jesse Jackson
“I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.” StreetsWalkingWorkersCodeConstructionRoofLunaticParanoidConstruction WorkersMorse Code Author:Emo Philips
“I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.” JobsCoupleParksSeatsThrowingScrewsAmusementAmusement Parks Author:Emo Philips
“My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.” NeedsSaidCrazyGirlfriendExpensiveTreatmentRadiationMy Girlfriend Author:Emo Philips
“I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.” WifeMy WifeVowCheatedCelibacyCheated On Author:Emo Philips
“My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.” ThreeHoursMomMy MomKitchenCalendarsAppointmentsDental Author:Emo Philips
“I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.” SoundRocksBeachFloridaSurfer Author:Emo Philips
“When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.” ParentPartyCollegeLettersGoing Away Author:Emo Philips
“Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.” IfsFirstsUsedNightLaughingGrowing UpGrowingStageFirst TimeComedianOne Night Author:Emo Philips